vertigo

I dialled your number    again and again   I felt empty   you didn’t answer   again and again    the sensitive can go crazy      with little provocation      I was alone    and drowning in my own shadow    and you were not at home   you were never at home    there is madness in love    and reason in madness    and love is often the reason for madness

we are all crazy  and the crazy in us  can motivate us in inexplicable ways    madness is my saving grace  madness is my adaptation   my antidote   to people like you    I wanted so badly    to be close to you    not just to fuck    but to be with you    perhaps I was lacking     but maybe it was you    my love didn’t just die  it submerged into secret depths   where it hid   curled up in foetal disgrace   over time it curdled   into something that left a bad taste

I took some comfort from my madness    the familiarity of my dingy surroundings     the privilege of the lonely    the freedom to be alone   I sought no understanding    I would not be enslaved by understanding    we each possess a unique world    distinct from all others    reality is an experience   and its veracity cannot be established   by any doctor   my world was bona fide    I was a grave instrument with a bloody handle   a rotten burlap sack full of killing stones     and I was high    I was so very high    that I nearly died of vertigo

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silence

I shall be nameless     for the moment    and mute    I shall keep my silence    and my silence will speak for me   if I were to speak   I’d speak like a child   if I were to sing    I’d sing like a raven      if I were to cry   I’d cry like a dove  

but I choose to remain silent   silence is my strength   if I spoke of silence now  I would be a killer   I would have murdered the thing I treasure   let me rest here forever   with the naked things   myself being myself  in silence

be silent now    our silence shall not betray us   I am a dragonfly   a moment that hovers    and remains too long    a sound stopped      a movement stifled for an eternity    you are a comet   a perfect bead    drawn between the stars   marking out infinity     with a single silent strand

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betrayal

teach me how cruel you are    cruel and false   you have wounded my heart    and those wounds last a lifetime   I know more than I want to know   I know you only lied   to protect me from the truth    you were only thinking of me   and never of yourself   what sacrifices you’ve made     all in the name of love   what a tangled web you’ve woven     just for lucky old me    

it’s all a big mistake you say    but the big mistake was mine    I never should have trusted you    I don’t even trust myself    I’ve shit on almost everyone who ever trusted me    and I usually told myself I was doing it for love

it’s hard to tell who really has your back   some have it just long enough to park a blade   but I shouldn’t be humiliated    or angered by that    betrayal is the inevitable consequence of trust       

I guess I can forgive   but I know I can’t forget    we’re still broken baby     I think we murdered love   the bed we shared is now a tomb   the faint edge of depression    blurs into constellations of hopelessness   and the tentative hopes  we wound between our sheets   flee the scrutiny of daylight       there’s nothing left to say     so I’ll just leave now     before the sun arrives      to confiscate what little dignity     is afforded us in our silence

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zeit

my most precious beings    are cosseted within my covid bubble   our ongoing collaborations    may be in breach of current guidelines    but none of us has tears in our eyes     everyone is bored shitless with confinement    and we are all busily cultivating new habits    I always find time    for the things that make me feel more alive      I’m on a learning curve    that sometimes finds me flat on my face   but I don’t let failure define me     failure is my catalyst   the impetus for change    

I have no idea where this road leads    at the moment the world is sick and people are dying     isolation has eaten into our hearts    and we all bleed for a little love   a loveless world is a dead world    this planet is just a soulless jail    a concrete zoo   where the inmates are denied love    through the mechanisms of indifference

we are sowing the seeds of ignorance    in a garden of evil    all evil stems from ignorance   well intentioned fools can do as much harm as malicious tyrants    the good outweighs the bad in most people     but most people are ignorant     and ignorance is our greatest vice    the most ignorant of people always think they know best    they even assume the authority of killers    because they are blind to the truth about love     

love is the cause of everything precious in life    but love never dies a natural death   love can be snuffed out in an accidental instant    murdered in a fit of jealous rage   smothered in an act of betrayal    or killed incrementally over years   eroded by resentment or disease   but love simply withers and dies in the face of indifference   because indifference is the antithesis of love   and indifference is the greatest enemy of life itself   your absolute nemesis requires only your inertia    that you simply cease to care    which shouldn’t prove too difficult    in these days of isolation and fear

listen to the 'Creature' EP

brand new semiotics for mind body and soul

 

some days I drag the low end      but it doesn’t matter    it doesn’t bother me     I won’t be writing any suicide notes     on that account    I’m not fixing to die anytime soon       I just began learning how to live       but I have  circumstances to accommodate     and those can be a bitch      but I can’t complain

I won’t reach out      if there’s no need      it’s not just my pride      there’s no point in me spilling my guts   if I’m only crying wolf     it doesn’t pay to take yourself too seriously     when you are subject to sudden change    I might foment a little poison in my cup from time to time       but I always have the antidote in my pocket     

I take life as it comes      I make no demands of anyone      and I only do what I want to do      so you can stow your neutral gaze      I’ll have  passion in my playpen      and the freedom to live as I please 

I’m just a dog with a bone      still fighting a war     that ended long ago     I could tell you things     you would not believe      so I won’t waste words      you’d only call me a liar   but you wouldn’t know which me is really me         or if my words are matched by deeds

which me is me?    the crazy wild impulsive me?     or the darkly reclusive suicidal me?    someone picked me up and shook my  shadow loose   now the pieces have fallen back to earth    but nothing is where it ought to be      I tried to run away        but you can’t lose your shadow     even if the sun shines a little less brightly for you

everything happens     for a reason     or it doesn't     it's hard to tell        when you so often see       just what you expect to see        my story is not a sad story      my story is an abstract    about a boy who survived a storm he thought would never end        but it was during that terrible storm   that he discovered he carried a fire within    he learned to kindle that flame at will    and always keeps the makings close to hand

Goofballs

 some nameless arsehole     suggested that I was morbid in my preoccupations     but I exorcise my demons      with brisk forays into verse     I don’t need the remedy     just the culture     I own my shadow     I was forged in adversity     but that is true of almost everyone I ever knew      each had burdens to bear     and every burden borne        was a story to be told  

 

teach me to sleep     I feel like a mutt with three legs     I’m all awkward angles      and nauseous instance     a blunt blade drawn through rancid entrails      I’m expanding into unanswerable questions     goofball bums have no stories      they’re shambling zombies     and shadow men    those goofballs triggered my psycho reflex     I call that progress     I still get trapped in my thoughts     pure gestalt     no paradox     I’m running on empty     high on fumes     this is my parade     I don’t care what anybody thinks      seen from the shore      we are all of us drowning

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Catechism # 371

 

I pulled the plug           cut the chord          the dividends        were huge        I learned to breathe        to be myself      no more pretence       no more posturing        I renounce the instrumental       in most situations        I own my fear         if fear becomes me      when moved I cry        if tears are called for      I celebrate my     little triumphs      as treasures won         if they suit my      temperament      and they ain’t           too heavy       for me to carry

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