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Showing posts with label bi polar prisoner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bi polar prisoner. Show all posts

18 August 2025

Diablero

 

Ain’t it hard just to live? There’s no accounting for people or what passes for right and wrong. I’d been shooting my mouth off. I was up to no good with nowhere to turn but bad.  I’d deviated from the norm. I’d been scaring the neighbours. Somebody called the cops. Yeah, somebody called the cops.  But I know my rights.

“You have the right to obey. Compliance is mandatory. There is only one rule: obey all the rules.”

They held me on trumped-up charges of lewd behaviour and vagrancy.  They confiscated my shoelaces. They confiscated my humanity. They took me to a doctor who said,

“What’s wrong with his head is anybody’s guess. He needs to be disinfected. He’s channelling subversive vibrations.  We’d better lock him up; I think that’s for the best.”

They put me in the quiet room, where I’d plan for my escape. I’d tiptoe right out of there. I’ve learned to play their game.

I level up heavy again and again. But I don’t complain. That’s just my lot; it’s always been this way.  Mania is a gift from the cosmos. The truth don’t stop. It’s rolling on hard, like the driven rain. I have a face for every season. They can’t take that from me.

 

2 August 2025

stigmatised

 

I have fought battles terrifying and beautiful        and I have been remade as a new man     but It’s not enough to get well        you’re expected to be penitent       for the crimes you committed when you were ill          coz there’s no sign of sickness on your skin       no, the monsters lurk deeper than that      they attack from the inside      the pain they inflict cannot be seen       it can only be felt    all that seems so far away now       as if it happened to someone else   but I don’t celebrate my victories          I hide my face in shame       there is no final victory      it can all happen again

I was not easy to help    but I was helped     for some my illness was seen a a failure       or even a betrayal       but my world was broken    and I reached out for a new one    no one would condemn a cancer  victim     saying ‘he brought it on himself’    but my friends diminished in number      those are the perverse mathematics of life       I don’t mind being ghosted       I live for myself     to hell with everyone else       I’ve forgiven those erstwhile friends        who could only see the surface of things      I don’t require validation     I made it on my own     I’m an individual now      a man of some renown

 

1 August 2025

wolves

 

we were a pack       and we made meat     but we had to be ruthless      with those who could not       we would dance in the sacred manner       horizontally     with the shades down       private individuals       living in a private world

I got the blame    when it all fell apart       and maybe I deserved it        paint me wicked      everyone does       it’s easier that way      there are too many pigments      in the other picture     I grieved for that cabal       of erstwhile friends and lovers       when they fell on me like wolves       to tear the world apart

28 July 2025

one foot in...

 

the years give

the years take

I’m docile now

polished smooth

I wouldn’t leave a ripple

if you dropped me in the ocean

I could be making waves

but I’m coasting from here on in

I’ve made my choices

what is a life

but a series of choices?

I live according to my nature

it’s too late now

for anything else

24 July 2025

my brand new friend

 

people can fuck you up

tell me if you’ve heard this one before

I didn’t know her face     but her moves were familiar    she said she needed to be loved      but she wasn’t ready to bleed for it       I understood that       I’d done my share of bleeding     I’ve drowned in my own tears

I don’t let that shit in my house        I tell no one what I’m feeling       coz feelings come and go        you can’t own love        no, love owns you     it’s a deal you can’t refuse      when you’re tired of being alone

this poor boy don’t believe in romance       but I’ll adhere to anything        that makes me feel real      life gives me all I need       and I don’t ask for much       I’m just looking for a friend      not a nursemaid       or  a crutch

30 May 2025

je suis un zombie


 flashback       big piranha      deep in my gut

back to my cubicle

curtained in         (do not disturb)

locked out

tubed up

and glued down

the shadow of a man

the simulacrum of a corpse

I couldn’t even scream

 ‘do you remember your name?’

‘do you know where you are?’

‘do you recognise me?’

don’t ask me questions     

I know nothing   

je suis un zombie

the man death left behind

I have tasted her deadly promise

and it festers in my mind

27 May 2025

iodine

 

I walked into a door     or the door walked into me      I got the usual cuts and bruises       nothing to scratch home about      I’ve taken some beatings      and maybe I’m better for them     but I think I’ve learned my lesson      I think I got things straight      I’m not the man I was         and that’s cause to celebrate

11 May 2025

screaming

 

as the world spins on its axis      and the sun sinks slowly in the west      another tsunami load of recycled shit hits the fan        there’s always fresh meat for the grinder      there will always be war and rumours of war      there will always be blood on our hands       because we’re all in the shit together     it’s always been this way     you can tell me there’s love in the human heart     and that love is the universal law   but I have to laugh when presented with the irony     otherwise I’d be screaming all the way to hell     

28 April 2025

killer cosmonaut

 

I’m totally spaced out       blitzed out of existence     so catastrophically high      I cannot see the ground     they dropped the fucking bomb on me      and hit me where it hurts       hell flickered for a second        then the lights went out     now I’m locked out of the world      with nowhere else to go      my imminent re-entry      will have to be postponed      though I’m bitterly disappointed      I’ll still make it on my own        coz I’m the killer cosmonaut      I’m not afraid to be alone

6 April 2025

psychological warfare

 

I got pills that get me high      and pills that lay me low           I don’t know which is which      I just take them as prescribed      the doctors tell me when     and I don’t ask them why      it’s a psychiatric issue    that will not be denied     what can I say?      I decided to stay and fight      I  can’t run away      much as I’d like

there is a war going on     in my living room       my lovers      my friends      my enemies       everyone wants a piece of me       I don’t say no     I just wait     if they want it hard enough     they’ll come to my gate      but if they don’t      I won’t be surprised     coz I’m hiding out      behind enemy lines     

the say it’s the end      for beautiful friends      it gets all ugly     from here on in      so stay in your homes      and lock all your doors     don’t be distressed        when no-one comes near     it’s the end of the world       that much is clear      I stole these words from the radio        it was the final bulletin     at the end of the show

5 April 2025

badge

 

she said I wore my illness like a badge      I just laughed     she didn’t know the difference       between a medal and a badge       my purple heart       was won in the war      that has raged in my mind       for most of my life       war does not ennoble men       it turns them into dogs      I left hell in my wake       and I bear the shame of that      but I’m winning that filthy war       the glory is all mine      so I’m apt to reminisce      from time to bloody time

31 March 2025

regret

 

they say the brave die only once       but I die on a daily basis     a thousand killer blows      assault my memory      I recall…    …but I don’t care to dwell     the past is a foreign country     I no longer speak the lingo        all that heat and fury     generated little light        and yesterday’s dreams are darkened      by the shadow of remorse

I think I’ve exhausted my options      so I’m resigned to the power that rules my fate       but I’m not complaining       coz I’m reborn on a daily basis      a thousand minor triumphs pepper my wounded ego with compensatory prizes      I have lived a full life      and balance my shame      against affections shared without regret      coz the mystery of love      outweighs the certainty of death

25 March 2025

chronic dissatisfaction

 home is where the hurt is    it cannot be denied    my abode feels hollow     emptied out inside      I know I should be grateful for everything I have      but too much is never enough for me     I can never be satisfied     this malady of the soul     is the power that spurs me on     but it’s beyond my understanding       and out with my control      I wish I could be anywhere else        and anyone else but me     coz chronic dissatisfaction is a crippling disease

14 March 2025

Radioactive

 


They had to lock me up.  For the sake of science they said. The iron in my blood had turned into plutonium. I was transformed into an interdimensional being who traversed both space and time. I had ludicrous possibilities – ever unfolding in the shimmering of dreams.    They put me in the psyche ward, because I was high, way too fucking high.   They didn’t have the instruments with which to chart my design.

‘Do you know where you are?’

‘I’m in a hospital.’

‘Do you know where?’

‘Yes, here. I’m in this hospital.’

‘Do you remember my name?’

‘Should I?’

‘No reason really.’

‘Why am I here?’

‘You have plutonium in your blood.’

Cascade and eclipse.  Another sequence of nightmare realities. This place is a meat factory. They are out to get me.  I hear them calling my name.   This is a world of paid assassins cynical and cold. Down in the basement secret mind swaps create brand new fictions. My identity is fluid and slips between the angles of things too strange to ever define.

‘Do you know where you are?’

‘I’m in hospital’

‘Do you remember my name?’

‘Why am I here?’

‘You have plutonium in your blood.’

‘When can I go home?’

‘We have to defuse you first…’

Here at ground zero, my near fatal exposure has annihilated my options.  So they locked me up.  But, I’m no danger to anyone. I just need to leave this place.  I want to go home. ‘Do you remember my name?’   No, I remember nothing.  Let me out of this cage.  I don’t belong in here.  I’m just a radioactive prisoner playing stone age games of fear.

8 March 2025

charismatic

charisma was my best defence     I never left home without it     I totally seduced myself     I may have been deranged, but I had sex appeal     you could call it vanity     but I liked to prepare my face     for the mutts I might meet in the street     I didn’t accept IOUs      and I didn't issue receipts     coz promises sell by the dozen      but confidence doesn’t come cheap    

I’m not the charmer I used to be      time presses on    the world has changed      and thankfully so have I     life is a game played by children     regrets are too punk to purchase      on a superficial level I’m still in credit     or maybe I’m just high     I never let my right hand know what the left is stealing      besides, I daren’t violate my parole with an act of wilful pride    so I let my bygones remain bygones    I buried that child a long time ago     I can’t recall just where    though I still remember why

3 March 2025

shtumm

 

I could tell some stories      but I won’t    coz you would think I’m crazy      you might think something worse       it’s not a cotton candy world      it has some edges on it       that creates friction     conflict     conflict is the basis of all drama     I’m quite inured to drama    no, I won’t waste your time with stories      they’d only make me a liar     my life is an untold story      I cannot keep from myself

18 February 2025

crave

 

I’m strung out on everything     I can never get enough    I got this hole inside I can’t fill    an urgent hunger    deep frenzied and lustful     it’s driving me around the bend     I need something to ease the pain     like sex, drugs or liquor      something that will get its teeth into me      the remedies lie close at hand       but I’m not gonna let that happen       I won’t let it consume me       I’ll turn this ache into energy      coz it’s an itch that I can never scratch     heaven knows I’ve tried    this constant craving  cannot be sated    it’s a bitch to the very last

4 February 2025

azrael

just send me home   I don’t want to be alone     grant me asylum   give me sanctuary    bandage me with kisses     nurse me heart and home    lay me down in the tall grass    somewhere I belong     may the angel of death smile on me    spread her wings  and sweep me off my feet    deposit me in that promised land     where I can get some sleep

 

15 December 2024

zoochosis

I often drag the low end     as does anyone in bondage    but I’ll be exalted in heaven      when they read about me in the papers    so lend me your patience      coz right now I’m busy grinding out grievances     just another caged bird festering behind bars      a captive mistake in the world of injustice     

this cruel prison is an assault on my soul     a daily degradation of my higher being    I pace a cell full of creature comforts     where I waste and wither      day after day    I have to stifle the urge to attack my captors      and end my confinement       with a reckless dash for freedom     coz I have the ambition     to take everyone with me     and bring down the system      that keeps us all enslaved

10 December 2024

killer

 everybody’s crazy for power     and power is all they need      me, I’ve got surplus energy    I got it coursing through my veins     I’m a mini hiroshima       I’m an improvised device     I’m going supernova    right in your fucking face     this a spontaneous detonation       I have become a killer      my love has turned to hate     I walk a murderous path      with violence in my hands      and anguish in my heart