psychological warfare

 

I got pills that get me high      and pills that lay me low           I don’t know which is which      I just take them as prescribed      the doctors tell me when     and I don’t ask them why      it’s a psychiatric issue    that will not be denied     what can I say?      I decided to stay and fight      I  can’t run away      much as I’d like

there is a war going on     in my living room       my lovers      my friends      my enemies       everyone wants a piece of me       I don’t say no     I just wait     if they want it hard enough     they’ll come to my gate      but if they don’t      I won’t be surprised     coz I’m hiding out      behind enemy lines     

the say it’s the end      for beautiful friends      it gets all ugly     from here on in      so stay in your homes      and lock all your doors     don’t be distressed        when no-one comes near     it’s the end of the world       that much is clear      I stole these words from the radio        it was the final bulletin     at the end of the show

badge

 

she said I wore my illness like a badge      I just laughed     she didn’t know the difference       between a medal and a badge       my purple heart       was won in the war      that has raged in my mind       for most of my life       war does not ennoble men       it turns them into dogs      I left hell in my wake       and I bear the shame of that      but I’m winning that filthy war       the glory is all mine      so I’m apt to reminisce      from time to bloody time

regret

 

they say the brave die only once       but I die on a daily basis     a thousand killer blows      assault my memory      I recall…    …but I don’t care to dwell     the past is a foreign country     I no longer speak the lingo        all that heat and fury     generated little light        and yesterday’s dreams are darkened      by the shadow of remorse

I think I’ve exhausted my options      so I’m resigned to the power that rules my fate       but I’m not complaining       coz I’m reborn on a daily basis      a thousand minor triumphs pepper my wounded ego with compensatory prizes      I have lived a full life      and balance my shame      against affections shared without regret      coz the mystery of love      outweighs the certainty of death

chronic dissatisfaction

 home is where the hurt is    it cannot be denied    my abode feels hollow     emptied out inside      I know I should be grateful for everything I have      but too much is never enough for me     I can never be satisfied     this malady of the soul     is the power that spurs me on     but it’s beyond my understanding       and out with my control      I wish I could be anywhere else        and anyone else but me     coz chronic dissatisfaction is a crippling disease

Radioactive

 

They had to lock me up.  For the sake of science they said. The iron in my blood had turned into plutonium. I was transformed into an interdimensional being who traversed both space and time. I had ludicrous possibilities – ever unfolding in the shimmering of dreams.    They put me in the psyche ward, because I was high, way too fucking high.   They didn’t have the instruments with which to chart my design.

‘Do you know where you are?’

‘I’m in a hospital.’

‘Do you know where?’

‘Yes, here. I’m in this hospital.’

‘Do you remember my name?’

‘Should I?’

‘No reason really.’

‘Why am I here?’

‘You have plutonium in your blood.’

Cascade and eclipse.  Another sequence of nightmare realities. This place is a meat factory. They are out to get me.  I hear them calling my name.   This is a world of paid assassins cynical and cold. Down in the basement secret mind swaps create brand new fictions. My identity is fluid and slips between the angles of things too strange to ever define.

‘Do you know where you are?’

‘I’m in hospital’

‘Do you remember my name?’

‘Why am I here?’

‘You have plutonium in your blood.’

‘When can I go home?’

‘We have to defuse you first…’

Here at ground zero, my near fatal exposure has annihilated my options.  So they locked me up.  But, I’m no danger to anyone. I just need to leave this place.  I want to go home. ‘Do you remember my name?’   No, I remember nothing.  Let me out of this cage.  I don’t belong in here.  I’m just a radioactive prisoner playing stone age games of fear.

charismatic

charisma was my best defence     I never left home without it     I totally seduced myself     I may have been deranged, but I had sex appeal     you could call it vanity     but I liked to prepare my face     for the mutts I might meet in the street     I didn’t accept IOUs      and I didn't issue receipts     coz promises sell by the dozen      but confidence doesn’t come cheap    

I’m not the charmer I used to be      time presses on    the world has changed      and thankfully so have I     life is a game played by children     regrets are too punk to purchase      on a superficial level I’m still in credit     or maybe I’m just high     I never let my right hand know what the left is stealing      besides, I daren’t violate my parole with an act of wilful pride    so I let my bygones remain bygones    I buried that child a long time ago     I can’t recall just where    though I still remember why

shtumm

 

I could tell some stories      but I won’t    coz you would think I’m crazy      you might think something worse       it’s not a cotton candy world      it has some edges on it       that creates friction     conflict     conflict is the basis of all drama     I’m quite inured to drama    no, I won’t waste your time with stories      they’d only make me a liar     my life is an untold story      I cannot keep from myself

crave

 

I’m strung out on everything     I can never get enough    I got this hole inside I can’t fill    an urgent hunger    deep frenzied and lustful     it’s driving me around the bend     I need something to ease the pain     like sex, drugs or liquor      something that will get its teeth into me      the remedies lie close at hand       but I’m not gonna let that happen       I won’t let it consume me       I’ll turn this ache into energy      coz it’s an itch that I can never scratch     heaven knows I’ve tried    this constant craving  cannot be sated    it’s a bitch to the very last

azrael

just send me home   I don’t want to be alone     grant me asylum   give me sanctuary    bandage me with kisses     nurse me heart and home    lay me down in the tall grass    somewhere I belong     may the angel of death smile on me    spread her wings  and sweep me off my feet    deposit me in that promised land     where I can get some sleep

 

zoochosis

I often drag the low end     as does anyone in bondage    but I’ll be exalted in heaven      when they read about me in the papers    so lend me your patience      coz right now I’m busy grinding out grievances     just another caged bird festering behind bars      a captive mistake in the world of injustice     

this cruel prison is an assault on my soul     a daily degradation of my higher being    I pace a cell full of creature comforts     where I waste and wither      day after day    I have to stifle the urge to attack my captors      and end my confinement       with a reckless dash for freedom     coz I have the ambition     to take everyone with me     and bring down the system      that keeps us all enslaved

killer

 everybody’s crazy for power     and power is all they need      me, I’ve got surplus energy    I got it coursing through my veins     I’m a mini hiroshima       I’m an improvised device     I’m going supernova    right in your fucking face     this a spontaneous detonation       I have become a killer      my love has turned to hate     I walk a murderous path      with violence in my hands      and anguish in my heart

live now pay later

 I’ve battened down my hatches      I’m now fully submerged        into my approximate cliché      am I drowning?     don’t tell me I’m drowning        is this hell?     please  tell me we’re not in hell     is this the niche that's carved me?      the petty bourgeois hero     of countless banal fantasies     panhandling for change in the world of broken actors        

 the inner eye never lies        and I can read my chart       I was high on the great deception      but I never had a dime       my life just flushed before me         sixty years a loser     and always arse deep in debt    but I’ve been informed by my sponsor    of a happy ever after    coz there ain’t no paupers in heaven       and there ain’t no tally men either       seems  like folk in heaven     are having a hell of a time

thermodynamics

 oh man   this is too easy    thermodynamics    natural flight     I’m just a snow flake     in a snow drift    just breezing along    at the speed of light    that’s me     skyjacking    eight miles high and climbing    there’s good news     spreading through my body     good news     unfolding in my mind    I’m turned on to something fantastic    but how long can I soar     before I must crash and burn?

13

the thirteenth unlucky apostle     was the bastard son     of a bastard son     and when the lights went out      he was nowhere to be found      no-one knows his name      but I’ve seen his face     I have his number     he’s a little less than holy       but more profound than some      he called himself a drinking man     and there was a certain kudos in that        among the poor and the derelict       and why not?      what else is there to do    here in the city of pain?      he was hard boiled and numb      his patter was filled with blood       but he sometimes pissed the bed     and he reeked of booze and fear     when asked about his friends      he could not recall their names       I think perhaps he lied     he may have been ashamed 

psychiatry

 they altered my prescription          to keep pace with the times       they want to pin me down       to sanitize my mind      but I can't get with that       I'd rather be considered crazy      than join the living dead       who serve their damned machinery            they've devised an inquisition        to cure me of insanity        they say that chemical infusions      will bring me to reality     but  they just want to steal my high       and send me to work in a factory

 

jailbird

I was hoping for a reprieve    it’s been a long time coming     but I since worked out     some new fundamentals     there is only one direction     and that direction is out     I’m a prisoner here        but do I work in a vacuum?     no, I’m just a thief with a library card      and if I didn’t do this     I’d do something reckless     I have a criminal heart      and  a liars disposition      so, there you have it      the story within the story     I’m an accomplice to deception      they might never let me go 

home

 home is where your head’s at     and my head’s at home    I ain’t stashing empty bottles      behind no shotgun shack     I’m organised for life    here in the digital world      I changed the lock on my door      and threw away the key    I’m walking that line      fingers crossed behind my back     

it’s fuel for life    totally automatic      sustenance by numbers        maybe it’s the environment       that best suits my clothing       or perhaps the process of osmosis       has slowly filtered out my ambition      but I’ve seen the world outside     and now I’m staying in

say uncle

 it’s in the nature of things      that I sometimes drag the low end     but I have to go with the flow      ride the waves of life   and if I fall behind   I must swim harder   hold fast to my dreams    coz if I gave up my dreams       what would I have left?   I can’t resign in protest      that would be defeat   another little death     what good is a life     that consists of a series of little deaths?

it’s a question of mindset    I say yes to the moment     capitulate with reality    let it work for me       not against me       at some point in my life     I learned to surrender to my path     it’s was a process of abandonment      not control     joy lies in learning to embrace the world as it is    so I yield to the tides    even when they break my heart   but I’m not drowning    I’m floating    waiting for the next great wave      to carry me away

 

serpent

 if my maker casts a shadow        does it ever fall on me?       am I a good man?    I don’t imagine so       where’s the reward for all my sins?          when are they going to kill me?       they broke me     more than once     but I’m stronger for the mending      will they kill me now?    haven’t I sinned enough?   they’ve killed the good and gentle      they killed the true and brave     why leave me to live?    I suppose they’ll get around to me       when they are good and ready

I’ll be waiting   one eye open    bolshy and defiant    sometimes living is an act of courage    but there’s some consolation to be found      in suicidal ideation      I must have thought about killing myself a thousand times     but I still cherish life     I must be crazy   I go on carrying a burden a sane man would gladly discard   mad    because I loathe my being     nevertheless I’ll hold fast to the serpent that devours    until it has eaten my heart away    no   I’m not death’s willing ally     I won’t relinquish my life so easily

hanging by a thread

you are never alone       if you have a friend     a friend with a thirst     and money to spend    it’s an ordinary madness       a tale of constant craving      but I’m under doctor’s orders      to stick close to the wagon     my kidneys need a break      and I require a change in society    so don’t come rolling by      unless you bring some dope     we’ll celebrate my sobriety      with a little smoke

dear reader     are you still there?    I hope you’ve been listening    I’d love to meet you one day    I could tell you stories       but you don’t want to hear them      personal histories are trapestries of posture and fabrication       right now in the moment    I’m swimming in circles       I’m not proud of being poor    but I’m not ashamed either     I’ll turn everything around     when my boat comes in   

I’m not averse to change     philosophically    I’ve had many hues and shades      though I always returned to grey    but I just forged a new prescription    I‘m intent on getting high    I’ll extinguish all self reflection      to let my mind float free     and make myself possible again    coz I’m hanging by a thread      but that’s a normal state for me       and they say that where you are        is where you’re meant to be