back to my
cubicle
curtained in
(do not disturb)
locked out
tubed up
and glued
down
the shadow
of a man
the simulacrum
of a corpse
I couldn’t
even scream
‘do you remember your name?’
‘do you know
where you are?’
‘do you
recognise me?’
don’t ask me
questions
I know
nothing
je suis un
zombie
the man
death left behind
I have
tasted her deadly promise
and it festers
in my mind
I walked into a door
or the door walked into me I got
the usual cuts and bruises nothing
to scratch home about I’ve taken
some beatings and maybe I’m better
for them but I think I’ve learned my
lesson I think I got things
straight I’m not the man I was and that’s cause to celebrate
as the world spins on its axis and the sun sinks slowly in the west another tsunami load of recycled shit
hits the fan there’s always fresh meat for the
grinder there will always be war and rumours of war there will always be blood on our
hands because we’re all in the shit
together it’s always been this
way you can tell me there’s love in the
human heart and that love is the
universal law but I have to laugh when presented with the
irony otherwise I’d be screaming all the way to hell
I’m totally spaced out
blitzed out of existence so catastrophically
high I cannot see the ground they dropped the fucking bomb on me and hit me where it hurts hell flickered for a second then the lights went out now I’m
locked out of the world with nowhere
else to go my imminent re-entry will have to be postponed though I’m bitterly disappointed I’ll still make it on my own coz I’m the killer cosmonaut I’m
not afraid to be alone
I got pills that get me high and pills that lay me low I don’t know which is which I just take them as prescribed the doctors tell me when and I don’t ask them why it’s a psychiatric issue that will not be denied what can I say? I decided to stay and fight I can’t run away much as I’d like
there is a war going on
in my living room my lovers my
friends my enemies everyone
wants a piece of me I don’t say
no I just wait if they want it hard enough they’ll
come to my gate but if they don’t I won’t be surprised coz I’m hiding out behind enemy lines
the say it’s the end
for beautiful friends it gets
all ugly from here on in so stay in your homes and
lock all your doors don’t be distressed when no-one comes near it’s
the end of the world that much is
clear I stole these words from the radio it was the final bulletin at the end of the show
she said I wore my illness like a badge I just laughed she
didn’t know the difference between a medal and a badge my purple heart was won in the war that
has raged in my mind for most of my
life war does not ennoble men it turns them into dogs I left hell in my wake and
I bear the shame of that but I’m
winning that filthy war the glory is all mine so I’m
apt to reminisce from time to bloody
time
they say the brave die only once but I die on a daily basis a thousand killer blows assault my memory I recall… …but I don’t care to dwell the past is a foreign country I no longer speak the lingo all that heat and fury generated little light and
yesterday’s dreams are darkened by
the shadow of remorse
I think I’ve exhausted my options so I’m resigned to the power that rules my
fate but I’m not complaining coz I’m reborn on a daily basis a thousand minor triumphs pepper my
wounded ego with compensatory prizes
I have lived a full life and
balance my shame against affections
shared without regret coz the
mystery of love outweighs the certainty
of death
home is where the hurt is it cannot be denied my abode feels hollow emptied out inside I know I should be grateful for everything I have but too much is never enough for me I can never be satisfied this malady of the soul is the power that spurs me on but it’s beyond my understanding and out with my control I wish I could be anywhere else and anyone else but me coz chronic dissatisfaction is a crippling disease
They had to lock me up.
For the sake of science they said. The iron in my blood had turned into
plutonium. I was transformed into an interdimensional being who traversed both space
and time. I had ludicrous possibilities – ever unfolding in the shimmering of
dreams. They put me in the psyche ward, because I was
high, way too fucking high. They didn’t
have the instruments with which to chart my design.
‘Do you know
where you are?’
‘I’m in a
hospital.’
‘Do you know
where?’
‘Yes, here.
I’m in this hospital.’
‘Do you
remember my name?’
‘Should I?’
‘No reason
really.’
‘Why am I
here?’
‘You have
plutonium in your blood.’
Cascade and eclipse.
Another sequence of nightmare realities. This place is a meat factory.
They are out to get me. I hear them calling
my name. This is a world of paid
assassins cynical and cold. Down in the basement secret mind swaps create brand
new fictions. My identity is fluid and slips between the angles of things too
strange to ever define.
‘Do you know
where you are?’
‘I’m in hospital’
‘Do you
remember my name?’
‘Why am I
here?’
‘You have
plutonium in your blood.’
‘When can I
go home?’
‘We have to
defuse you first…’
Here at ground zero, my near fatal exposure has annihilated
my options. So they locked me up. But, I’m no danger to anyone. I just need to
leave this place. I want to go home. ‘Do
you remember my name?’ No, I remember
nothing. Let me out of this cage. I don’t belong in here. I’m just a radioactive prisoner playing stone
age games of fear.
charisma was my best defence I never left home without it I totally seduced myself I may have been deranged, but I had sex appeal you could call it vanity but I liked to prepare my face for the mutts I might meet in the
street I didn’t accept IOUs and I didn't issue receipts coz
promises sell by the dozen but confidence
doesn’t come cheap
I’m not the charmer I used to be time presses on the
world has changed and thankfully so
have I life is a game played by
children regrets are too punk to purchase on
a superficial level I’m still in credit
or maybe I’m just high I never
let my right hand know what the left is stealing besides, I daren’t violate my parole with
an act of wilful pride so I let my
bygones remain bygones I buried that
child a long time ago I
can’t recall just where though I still
remember why
I could tell some stories
but I won’t coz you would think I’m crazy you might think something worse it’s not a cotton candy world it has some edges on it that creates friction conflict conflict is the basis of all drama I’m quite inured to drama no, I won’t waste your time with
stories they’d only make me a
liar my life
is an untold story I cannot keep
from myself
I’m strung out on everything I can never get enough I got this hole inside I can’t fill an urgent hunger deep frenzied and lustful it’s
driving me around the bend I need something to ease the pain like
sex, drugs or liquor something that will get its teeth into me the remedies lie close at hand but I’m not gonna let that happen I won’t let it consume me I’ll
turn this ache into energy coz it’s
an itch that I can never scratch heaven
knows I’ve tried this constant craving
cannot be sated it’s a bitch to the very last
just send me home I
don’t want to be alone grant me
asylum give me sanctuary bandage me with kisses nurse me heart and home lay me down in the tall grass somewhere I belong may the angel of death smile on me spread her wings and sweep
me off my feet deposit me in that
promised land where I can get some
sleep
I often drag the low end as does anyone in bondage but I’ll be exalted in heaven when they read about me in the papers so lend me your patience coz right now I’m busy grinding out grievances just another caged bird festering behind bars a captive mistake in the world of injustice
this cruel prison is an assault on my soul a
daily degradation of my higher being I pace a cell full of creature comforts where I waste and wither day after day I have to stifle the urge to attack my
captors and end my confinement with a reckless dash for freedom coz I have the ambition to take everyone with me and bring down the system that keeps us all enslaved
everybody’s crazy for power and power is all they need me, I’ve got surplus energy I got it coursing through my veins I’m a mini hiroshima I’m an improvised device I’m going supernova right in your fucking face this a spontaneous detonation I have become a killer my love has turned to hate I walk a murderous path with violence in my hands and anguish in my heart
I’ve battened down my hatches I’m now fully submerged into my approximate cliché am I drowning? don’t tell me I’m drowning is this hell? please tell me we’re not in hell is this the niche that's carved me? the petty bourgeois hero of countless banal fantasies panhandling for change in the world of broken actors
the inner eye never lies and I can read my chart I was high on the great deception but I never had a dime my life just flushed before me sixty years a loser and always arse deep in debt but I’ve been informed by my sponsor of a happy ever after coz there ain’t no paupers in heaven and there ain’t no tally men either seems like folk in heaven are having a hell of a time
oh man this is too easy thermodynamics natural flight I’m just a snow flake in a snow drift just breezing along at the speed of light that’s me skyjacking eight miles high and climbing there’s good news spreading through my body good news unfolding in my mind I’m turned on to something fantastic but how long can I soar before I must crash and burn?
the thirteenth unlucky apostle was the bastard son of a bastard son and when the lights went out he was nowhere to be found no-one knows his name but I’ve seen his face I have his number he’s a little less than holy but more profound than some he called himself a drinking man and there was a certain kudos in that among the poor and the derelict and why not? what else is there to do here in the city of pain? he was hard boiled and numb his patter was filled with blood but he sometimes pissed the bed and he reeked of booze and fear when asked about his friends he could not recall their names I think perhaps he lied he may have been ashamed
they altered my prescription to keep pace with the times they want to pin me down to sanitize my mind but I can't get with that I'd rather be considered crazy than join the living dead who serve their damned machinery they've devised an inquisition to cure me of insanity they say that chemical infusions will bring me to reality but they just want to steal my high and send me to work in a factory
I was hoping for a reprieve it’s been a long time coming but I since worked out some new fundamentals there is only one direction and that direction is out I’m a prisoner here but do I work in a vacuum? no, I’m just a thief with a library card and if I didn’t do this I’d do something reckless I have a criminal heart and a liars disposition so, there you have it the story within the story I’m an accomplice to deception they might never let me go
