crucified

 

some things cannot be gleaned from books       some things are learned in blood    anyway     the lights are going out now    and I’m pinioned to my cross     sweet mother of heaven       hear me in my time of need     let me cast one last spell     channel my pain into something beautiful       

I’ve nursed one disaster after another     and there are terrible confessions hidden behind my eyes      coz I bent myself outta shape      trying to satisfy the needs of others     now I require something for myself     don’t judge me    I’m not stoned     I’m just tired     fatigued by the extremities of being     I know I made a cunt of myself    but I didn’t mean to prick anyone  else   with this crown of thorns

gagged

 

they locked me up       for speaking my mind        because truth is violence    in their insane world       I was drunk on freedom        and the license it gave me      but to think too deeply    is to dig your own grave       I was drunk on freedom      but I overreached   now I’m the odd man out      in a party of strangers        queer bedfellows      both orphans and strays      in this menagerie      of singular outsiders    I found a voice    to unlock their secrets       yes, I found a voice       but it was not my own

the fool

 

I’m tired of thinking      no-one can think and fight at the same time     and I’m in a fight here       the fight of my life       insanity and happiness are an unlikely cocktail       and they have labeled me mad      because I feel too much       because I’m sad     but my sanity is open to debate      perhaps madness is a  natural reaction to the real      maybe I am crazy       maybe madness is a failing        but I ask you      who can be sane in a world gone  mad?       you have to be crazy      to play by the rules    to believe in a game that is rigged      to make you the fool

in shadows

 

lately, I’m not really there      I’m not really anywhere       sometimes I’m not myself      I mutate into something else      sometimes I’m formed in the shadows        exposed under sodium light      I can’t seem to shake the feeling      that it all could happen again      I’d be down on the killing floor       dragging my ball and chain      through hospital corridors      desperate to escape    finding no way home    

inertia

 

paint a picture of this    emotionally squalid     got the fear on now     something chronic     but I have music inside me      so I’m not that far gone      not a damp eye in the house     must be the season of cynics    I’m too tired to make adjustments this late in the deal

lately, I’m riddled with doubt     and what if it’s bad?     but what if it’s good?   but what if it’s bad?     and what if they laugh?     so what if they do?    it’s the bloody psychogenesis     of crippling inertia      my head is black with trouble      and I’m weary of the conflict

sober

I quit for the sake of my sanity       but I soon found out      you have to quit every day        maybe I’ll quit quitting    no, don’t tempt me      don’t get me started      once I get started      I don’t know how to stop       I’m not a temperate man       I’m a greedy bastard      who cannot get enough

It’s not easy staying sober      but it’s so much harder staying drunk       staying drunk takes dedication        an appetite for destruction     the will  to live as a fucking pariah,  a leper and a bum       no, I no longer have the strength       to deal with so much fun

the cloak of madness

 

a world without madness     would be a mediocrity    but when I realised what a sick, awful joke the world is    I went stark raving mad   and madness begets madness   so soon I was lost    insanity is no escape from reality        it’s an overdose of reality       isolation, loneliness, desperation and rage       all of these are real        the whole world is mad       and in a world of madness       perhaps only the crazy are truly sane      

I have worn the cloak of madness         madness that wore me down      it took over my mind     and co-opted every action        my messianic highs, my diabolical lows     were as inclement as the weather        they guided my tongue  and my actions       they damned me as they exalted me    but I glimpsed eternity         and thrilled to uncover my great secret       we are all as gods       we are all of us insane       only some of us know it      only some bear the pain

Manic

 

don’t judge that book by its cover       that cunt could get a piece at anybody’s door        he oozes a dark charisma       that’s how he gets things done        he’s packing dynamite     and he’s on a short fuse       anything can happen       and very often does       aye, he’s bad news     his wiring is all wrong      he don’t mean no harm       but sometimes he can’t help himself

Doxy

I’m just an ordinary sucker       with extraordinary needs      I have to stir the pot     several times a week        my appetites are excessive         my appetites are raw       for me sex is like a drug        that leaves me wanting more

everything is about sex       except sex      sex is about power      maybe that’s my problem        maybe I lack power       or perhaps I have too much      all I know is when I make that contact           and the game is on      I’m more than just promiscuous        I’m mother nature’s son

Diablero

 

Ain’t it hard just to live? There’s no accounting for people or what passes for right and wrong. I’d been shooting my mouth off. I was up to no good with nowhere to turn but bad.  I’d deviated from the norm. I’d been scaring the neighbours. Somebody called the cops. Yeah, somebody called the cops.  But I know my rights.

“You have the right to obey. Compliance is mandatory. There is only one rule: obey all the rules.”

They held me on trumped-up charges of lewd behaviour and vagrancy.  They confiscated my shoelaces. They confiscated my humanity. They took me to a doctor who said,

“What’s wrong with his head is anybody’s guess. He needs to be disinfected. He’s channelling subversive vibrations.  We’d better lock him up; I think that’s for the best.”

They put me in the quiet room, where I’d plan for my escape. I’d tiptoe right out of there. I’ve learned to play their game.

I level up heavy again and again. But I don’t complain. That’s just my lot; it’s always been this way.  Mania is a gift from the cosmos. The truth don’t stop. It’s rolling on hard, like the driven rain. I have a face for every season. They can’t take that from me.

 

stigmatised

I have fought battles terrifying and beautiful        and I have been remade as a new man     but It’s not enough to get well        you’re expected to be penitent       for the crimes you committed when you were ill          coz there’s no sign of sickness on your skin       no, the monsters lurk deeper than that      they attack from the inside      the pain they inflict cannot be seen       it can only be felt    all that seems so far away now       as if it happened to someone else   but I don’t celebrate my victories          I hide my face in shame       there is no final victory      it can all happen again

I was not easy to help    but I was helped     for some my illness was seen a a failure       or even a betrayal       but my world was broken    and I reached out for a new one    no one would condemn a cancer  victim     saying ‘he brought it on himself’    but my friends diminished in number      those are the perverse mathematics of life       I don’t mind being ghosted       I live for myself     to hell with everyone else       I’ve forgiven those erstwhile friends        who could only see the surface of things      I don’t require validation     I made it on my own     I’m an individual now      a man of some distinction

pack

 

we were a pack       and we made meat     but we had to be ruthless      with those who could not       we would dance in the sacred manner       horizontally     with the shades down       private individuals       living in a private world

I got the blame    when it all fell apart       and maybe I deserved it        paint me wicked      everyone does       it’s easier that way      there are too many pigments      in the other picture     I grieved for that cabal       of erstwhile friends and lovers       when they fell on me like wolves       to tear the world apart

one foot in...

 

the years give

the years take

I’m docile now

polished smooth

I wouldn’t leave a ripple

if you dropped me in the ocean

I could be making waves

but I’m coasting from here on in

I’ve made my choices

what is a life

but a series of choices?

I live according to my nature

it’s too late now

for anything else

my brand new friend

 

people can fuck you up

tell me if you’ve heard this one before

I didn’t know her face     but her moves were familiar    she said she needed to be loved      but she wasn’t ready to bleed for it       I understood that       I’d done my share of bleeding     I’ve drowned in my own tears

I don’t let that shit in my house       this poor boy don’t believe in romance       but I’ll adhere to anything        that makes me feel real      life gives me all I need       and I don’t ask for much       I’m just looking for a friend      not a nursemaid       or  a crutch

je suis un zombie

 flashback       big piranha      deep in my gut

back to my cubicle

curtained in         (do not disturb)

locked out

tubed up

and glued down

the shadow of a man

the simulacrum of a corpse

I couldn’t even scream

 ‘do you remember your name?’

‘do you know where you are?’

‘do you recognise me?’

don’t ask me questions     

I know nothing   

je suis un zombie

the man death left behind

I have tasted her deadly promise

and it festers in my mind

iodine

 

I walked into a door     or the door walked into me      I got the usual cuts and bruises       nothing to scratch home about      I’ve taken some beatings      and maybe I’m better for them     but I think I’ve learned my lesson      I think I got things straight      I’m not the man I was         and that’s cause to celebrate

screaming

 

as the world spins on its axis      and the sun sinks slowly in the west      another tsunami load of recycled shit hits the fan        there’s always fresh meat for the grinder      there will always be war and rumours of war      there will always be blood on our hands       because we’re all in the shit together     it’s always been this way     you can tell me there’s love in the human heart     and that love is the universal law   but I have to laugh when presented with the irony     otherwise I’d be screaming all the way to hell     

killer cosmonaut

 

I’m totally spaced out       blitzed out of existence     so catastrophically high      I cannot see the ground     they dropped the fucking bomb on me      and hit me where it hurts       hell flickered for a second        then the lights went out     now I’m locked out of the world      with nowhere else to go      my imminent re-entry      will have to be postponed      though I’m bitterly disappointed      I’ll still make it on my own        coz I’m the killer cosmonaut      I’m not afraid to be alone

psychological warfare

 

I got pills that get me high      and pills that lay me low           I don’t know which is which      I just take them as prescribed      the doctors tell me when     and I don’t ask them why      it’s a psychiatric issue    that will not be denied     what can I say?      I decided to stay and fight      I  can’t run away      much as I’d like

there is a war going on     in my living room       my lovers      my friends      my enemies       everyone wants a piece of me       I don’t say no     I just wait     if they want it hard enough     they’ll come to my gate      but if they don’t      I won’t be surprised     coz I’m hiding out      behind enemy lines     

the say it’s the end      for beautiful friends      it gets all ugly     from here on in      so stay in your homes      and lock all your doors     don’t be distressed        when no-one comes near     it’s the end of the world       that much is clear      I stole these words from the radio        it was the final bulletin     at the end of the show

regret

 

they say the brave die only once       but I die on a daily basis     a thousand killer blows      assault my memory      I recall…    …but I don’t care to dwell     the past is a foreign country     I no longer speak the lingo        all that heat and fury     generated little light        and yesterday’s dreams are darkened      by the shadow of remorse

I think I’ve exhausted my options      so I’m resigned to the power that rules my fate       but I’m not complaining       coz I’m reborn on a daily basis      a thousand minor triumphs pepper my wounded ego with compensatory prizes      I have lived a full life      and balance my shame      against affections shared without regret      coz the mystery of love      outweighs the certainty of death