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Showing posts with label bi polar prisoner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bi polar prisoner. Show all posts

28 February 2024

terraplaning

a smattering of raindrops pepper my window panes     their ragged trails are bleached by another thorazine moon    a thousand dark misgivings     are nesting in my brain      a swarm of ravenous locusts    are wheeling on the wing      there’s space beneath  the blankets   I’m slipping through again      strange fruit and poplar trees   I’ve seen this place before     I’m talking to some woman     I sense that she’s a friend     I seem to know her face     but can’t recall her name     the local boys are rowdy    on tonic wine and beer    I’m peeling away my skin     it’s a reptile house in here    I can hardly breathe    I’m running out of air     someone is calling my name    but I don’t seem to care   I’m all fucked up again    a little worse for wear     is what’s inside leaking out?     is what’s outside crashing in?   I tore these words from the paper    and pasted them into the void    it’s a menagerie of countersigns    a procession of disjointed images      that could signify anything    but most likely don’t     it’s the dark side of morning     and no one gives a shit      most of us are sleeping      perhaps I’m sleeping too    maybe this is a dream     I hope it is a dream   cause if this is just a dream    I could make an escape    I could dial myself a ride    and terraplane away 

15 February 2024

fraternity

 after forty days and nights    I’ve come in from the wilderness      to make my bed where the wild things sleep   naked and alone    but I can bear the load    coz in my story I am free     but makes me so certain?    what does freedom mean to me?   well, I’m not free enough     and I’m not satisfied    where’s the peace of mind  I was guaranteed     when I cut the cords that bind?   I cultivated a little space    on the edge of society   coz I’ve lost faith in people    as they’ve lost track of me     I’m something of a misanthrope     it cannot be denied       it was learn to love my neighbour    or find a place to hide     

10 February 2024

Las Vegas

my stones ache in the morning      but that’s par for the course    I’m doing jack shit     and I almost regret it      coz you can’t retrieve lost time     and that don’t buy no sleep     I could use some sleep     I’ve been dredging the low end     for forty days and nights      I could tell it like it is    but I would sound insane     I bet my wages on a lightning strike    but I struck out once again    I’m eating crow for breakfast    but this is chicken town        I need to find a new game      before the landlord comes around     so I’m  heading to Las Vegas     to get my business fixed      pump me a few while I wait for the bus    this old dog is learning new tricks

 

9 February 2024

tyrannised

I guess I’ll tend to my own troubles      and you can tend to yours     don’t talk to me about feelings    I don’t want to talk about my feelings      I want to scream and shout about my feelings      I want to roll them all up into one vicious ball and ram it down your throat      so you can scream about it too    we could scream our skeletons loose    we could scream ourselves empty        we could scream until we are free

your sympathy offends me         I’ll have none of that       I’m pinned up on a meat hook        but I’ll suffer no pity     from acquiescent sheep       I’d rather play the devil    than earn a place in heaven     I’d like to burn it down      and erase it from my heart       I’ve been tyrannised with love       for more than long enough     I’m not asking for forgiveness     I’m just not ready yet      I don’t want to be blessed     if I must be content

6 February 2024

bipolar distemper

 the blunt edge of depression     rolls across my portion of the sky     it’s gonna rain again    nobody can gauge when or why    somebody help me     I’m coming undone       we all have secret sorrows       I’ve had enough of mine     I woke up into a nightmare      I might never sleep again    some have wounds that do not show       but they bleed     they bleed from the soul    I’m not helpless – I’m hopeless      they call it suicidal ideation    my life is a burning building     I may have to jump     it’s burn or dive      there is a terror beyond falling    the choices here are stark   

bipolar distemper is a side effect of living      and living is a disease with one cure     and one cure alone    I won’t cry in public     I won’t rend my clothes       I’ll weep on the inside    I’ll weep from my soul      there’s no comfort to be had    no magic pills    my soul carries more scars    than living tissue   this is not sadness       sadness will pass like the common cold     this is cancer     a cancer of the soul      I feel so ashamed        to carry this burden     I’ve done something wrong     something so huge   I can’t even comprehend it      the devil has hold of my soul     and from where I sit now       he’s welcome to it

 

22 January 2024

electrical therapy

I need a bigger brain     none of this shit makes sense      I want a long lie down     in the cool room    on virgin sheets       over by the window      where I can see the street       because something is going wrong somewhere      and I’m afraid it’s local      there’s more misery in this neighbourhood than can be quantified      we’re alive and that’s the problem     and it’s quite a problem      but it’s nobody’s fault      

the living have troubles     that span all dimensions      electrical therapy might see them sorted     a zap to the brainpan      could do some good     it’s said to work wonders      for all mental maladies     god knows it changed my motivations      they taught me to think straight     with little blasts of lightning    they lit the path      to some near nirvana       and saw me whole    but not quite holy     am I the bad guy now?      how does that work?

I cut a solitary figure in this situation      but I don’t need a rainy day woman     to come and make my bed      clean my clothes      or serve my daily bread       don’t get me wrong      I don’t want to be alone     I just need a friend      to talk to when I’m stoned      I’m loaded with electrical potential     some find that strange     they might think I’m mental      but I know who I am    and that’s pivotal to my way of thinking

 

21 January 2024

mercy

I can’t complain     though I’ve seen better days     today was stillborn      dead on arrival     dismal as an infant’s funeral     bleak as a winter in hell     I don’t seem to mind    there’s no evil portioned to me    I haven’t witnessed before     I have always believed      that whatever comes my way      for good or ill      I must have earned it    so I will own it   quietly   en sotto voce      I don’t believe in drama     or the daily toil and trouble   I believe in something spiritual      manna spilled from heaven    where I trust I’m not forgotten     because I still hope for mercy      in the kingdom yet to come          

19 January 2024

bed

 I will not take to my bed       no, I will not take to my bed       I’m sick and tired      and I need to sleep    but I will not take to my bed            the day is dark and sorrowful       and my heart has turned to lead          I could lie in for a day or two     but I will not take to my bed             the world has me by the throat      I wish that I was dead     I’m ready to jack it all in     but I will not take to my bed      

 

17 January 2024

baby buddha

I’m being ground down by the tyrant within     my mind is an elegant trap     a fractal of coloured lenses painting my emotions  various shades of sodom      I can’t go on living like this       but  what else do I know?        I have to move   and make my way by moving      somehow arriving and departing     constantly shifting       until I find some direction     that feels like I’m heading somewhere      I ought get into this      right into the heart of this      you kindled a flame in me       now watch me burn       art colours life     so paint me red     paint me gold       paint me anything at all     I’m losing my distinctions        it all blurs into nothing        and nothing becomes me like nothing at all 

14 January 2024

entombed

habit is a killer     a slow insidious killer   they say the only constant is change       and that a change is as good as a rest       but I don’t want to change       and I don’t need to rest         there is no pillow for my head       I’ll take my ease in death        

I’m told I must move on      but I don’t want to move on       I’m settled here      through entropy      through denial      through fait accompli       I’m consigned to my fate         and I’m set too fast to change       

I believe     I don’t believe     beliefs are for suckers     beautiful and courageous suckers      if I had a little faith       I’d spend it in a tavern      I have little use for faith      I’ll stick with dismal reason     and the bitter draught of cynicism      I heard this joke before      and I no longer laugh

I’m told I must find myself       but I don’t want to find myself        I want to lose myself      in uncharted seasons    let me be forgotten over time    lost and never brought to mind       let me return to nothing         deaf and mute and blind      

11 January 2024

silver surfer

modern life is mostly gossip     I remember the good things      at least I think I do     all I can explain with words      I drown beneath the significance of all these words      I liked life well enough        but I never understood it        are there words for that?       never thought I’d find the appropriate mask        because believe me     all accounts are fictional       you can’t be too emotional about it       emotions are all we have     when you get down to it     and we get down to it often enough

I have no designated function      I‘m the ghost of failed endeavours     but I feel safer now      with emotional parking       and appropriate buffer zones      my colours and tones inverted        I cast a slender shadow      across the now and then      I’ve earned my seclusion        but a happy isolation       would be just another cage      so just  look at me now        not a stitch to wear      but I go dancing just the same     the world is still young        it’s me who has changed        I would decline the invitation        but I expect that I’m expected        and I’ll show up just the same        

2 November 2023

icarus (grounded)

 not all birds winter in the south      some of us are flightless       moribund and exhausted       some of us are accidents        car crash victims      veterans of unhappy wars       long since wounded    and purple hearted       they say having flown      you’ll forever walk the street       with your eyes on the sky       for there you have been and long to return       not to reap or sow       but to soar without constraint         beyond imagination

I have wounds       hidden scars        but all my surfaces      such as they are       present spotlessly clean      at least to the naked eye     but I’m filthy         by decent human standards     and my wings of wax     drenched in lust        fucked up and sorry         have failed me        in the hour of my disillusionment      forever fixed in space     in the moment of crashing         I am leaden now       and planted in the soil of my woeful discontent     

26 October 2023

autumn leaves

buried under autumn leaves      the shadows of summer feed the soil     winter did not cheat them of life    it laid them down in silent pastures     to gift them rebirth in future days     I am wounded now    at least in spirit     I don’t know how or why    the winter has kissed my lips      the cold has touched my heart    but I still know how to love      and I’ll be coming back     so bury me in rotting leaves     rest me now for future days     just don’t lose my number     lover wait for me

 

10 February 2021

allow for shrinkage


the engine was an old engine   it whined and coughed   but to me it was singing    it was the song the crows all sing  a song of life  and death   and chaos  I resonated in sympathy to each discordant note of the music that only I could hear  my gum had long since lost its flavour and my mouth was dry and reptilian 

 

roll the window down a bit and let me breathe 

 

there were many miles to go before morning splayed her thin grey fingers over the land   I rolled another joint   just a small one    all I asked for was a little dab of fire to light my way   the road was long   without even a whisper of which way was home   perhaps there was no way home   just the road and the memories

I went to see a man about a monkey and left her standing in the rain while I sipped warm tea with my doctor   I couldn’t care less  I was that kind of arsehole   the kind that bleeds for sympathy when he’s dark from psychosis and suicidal ideation    but blows smoke up your arse when he’s high    I could be quite charming when I was high

 

I heard you got married

 

yeah   I got married

 

what was she thinking

 

I have no idea

 

it would never last   it never did     I gave it two years before she worked it out    they all worked it out eventually   it was the secret that would not be concealed    this man had no soul    I did not sell it   or trade it for eternal youth riches  fame  or power   I didn’t gamble it away in some diabolical game of chance   I didn’t even throw it away in a fit of pique    no  I simply turned around one day and noticed it was gone  like a missing shadow   I had mislaid my soul and had no idea where   though I suspected I may have left it standing out in the rain somewhere

she said she liked the cut of my cliché   suburban dilettante with a splash of druggy mystique   but   she said   and here comes the wrecking ball    you have no soul   the girl with the raven eyes    said I had no soul   but of course I have a soul  that’s where the pain lies   she laid the boot in where it hurts   right in the ego   started a downward cycle    spiralling beyond my control


any fool can draw blood with the carefully chosen word  most use the scatter gun approach and just chuck them about till something sticks  this was different   I felt she knew me   that she had seen inside of me and found me wanting   an embarrassed silence was the precursor to deep despair


I have to report that I got very drunk  
I tried to drown my sorrows   but my sorrows can swim    the flotsam of my life crowded my head with unhealthy vibrations   my clockwork messaging service told of rude change in the either region   either get it straight or go home to sulk   I have no home  just a domicile   somewhere to lie down when lying down is called for   somewhere I keep my junk   in case I need my junk

how banal   how very banal   the common place misery  the self indulgent woe why should I care what some stranger says    why did her words burn pathways of shame into my mind   it was a lucky guess that’s all    she couldn’t possibly know that I had no soul

I was sickened of my self pity   I was sickened of my life   if I was a real man I’d have a gun   I’d powder my nostrils with kif and royal jelly and bed every whore who gave me the glad eye   don’t ever let me outta here   I’m a serial disaster waiting to happen   I’m cooking up some of that good shit and I’m gonna lay it on thick and fearless   I’ll puke on your lap if you feed me enough   I always bite the hand that feeds    it’s expected of me    it’s part of my shtick

I got a third class education gleaned from the pages of stolen books   I was a part time visionary and a cut price casanova      but the charm of show business has long since worn thin   the antidote to glamour is working for a living    mind numbing boredom scoops your insides out and fills the spaces with dust  I’m not complaining  don’t get me wrong   I get high  I get low  repeat (ad infinitum)  the crest of the wave   the laxative slump   that tremor deep in the gut has me distended and extended beyond human limitations   I’m a regular chameleon   a hybrid human   a spaced out chimera

is my face on straight    do I look faulty   the phoney me   the painted smile  of synthetic man   the weight of me  the shape of me  everything is fragmented and broken   here in the marginal regions of sensory deprivation words don’t come easy   if they come at all  words are relayed by proxy here   laid out in some secret cipher known to no-one  but understood by all   there is no asylum here   no sanctuary   and no sanctity   there is room for one and one alone    it’s never an easy fit    you have to allow for shrinkage of the soul

5 February 2021

section eight


I don’t make the rules    I don’t even follow them   perhaps that’s where I went wrong  some have called me crazy   but that’s open to debate   when they opened up my head   to take a peek inside    they found I was haunted   by a demon of conscience   and was inked bloody with the stains  of unforgiveable depravities    but you never know what secrets lurk   beneath the surface of a man’s alleged insanity    believe me when I tell you   everybody is crazy   but most just don’t realise it  

I slay the beast every morning   and every fucking night    but they don’t give me medals    they just give me pills    and send me on my way     it’s a wild and torrid wind    that blows through my skull    and on any given day    of wonder and of peril   there will be a fearful storm    I’ve had a lifetime of bastard storms   and I demand a reprieve   and maybe stronger pills    from the very top shelf please   I have forsaken a peaceful mind    to make war with the beast  

thinking of the life I’ve led   the desolation I’ve endured   and the meagre mercy I’ve received   I feel weary   I feel heavy in my bones    when I brood on all of that    and the way I sought nourishment    with casual lovers and liquid fire  and then those sorry times  I was more beast than man    when the madness   the sheer fucking frenzy   fuelled by my boiling blood     raging with pathos and fury   would shame me to the core

 I am truly tired   of the burden I must bear   I could weep    and sometimes do    when my heart simply cracks    and my brain implodes   and I am the most pathetic excuse for a man   to ever shed his load   but the sickness which afflicts my life     does not define my soul    or rob me of my humanity    would you dismiss me as a crazy man     don’t you ever feel the same    have you never felt alone