I could dae this of my own accord you know. I dinnae need the spike, the earmuffs and the diamond collar. I do awright oan ma ane. I kin write awright if ah kin just get some sleep! Men of a certain age, especially those of the manic-depressive persuasion, often find it difficult tae sleep. Loads of pent up emotion an’ barely supressed anger keeps them awake at night. You’ll find that many men of a certain age carry luggage heavy wi pent up emotion an’ barely supressed anger; it’s the lack of fuckin’ sleep that does it.
I’m in an awfy fix. I’m in Scoonie, East of Leven; Scotland’s ane Anus Mundie. I came here tae get away from it all. Fuckin’ well succeeded tae – I’m miles away from anything. This place was designated as pointless back in 1962 and filed under forgotten; not to be revived in the foreseeable future. Some part of me has died here. There is some portion of Scoonie, East of Leven, that shall forever remain Buddha in an unmarked grave.
Brought Johnny. Fat lotta use he is. All he talks about are burds; burds he’s shagged and burds he wants tae shag. He’s goat it bad that yin. He was gifted wi a beautiful intellect which resides in the glans of his penis. I love the guy tae death, but one day that cock o’ his will lead him into mair than temptation. I told him tae be meagre wi his wants, but on that score he’s the greediest bastard a’ ever met.
We’re no exactly oan holiday here. This is no gentleman’s junket. We’re on the lam. No fi the law or that, but fi our friends. Our pals want a pound of our flesh. Some depressing tale involving supposed MDMA tablets and an alleged horse tranquiliser. A very ugly story, but all too common in today’s marketplace. We were merely intermediaries in this carfuffle, but since the primary agents had absconded wi the loot, we were held by many tae be responsible. Stupid bastards. To a man they are all stupid bastards and the stupid like to weigh in mob handed. The mob that’s after us is comprises of some unsavoury characters who’d just as soon knife you as kick ye in the head when yer down. We’re running from a lynching – there’s nothing the stupid love more than a good lynching.
They’ll never find us in Scoonie though. The sun cannae find us in Scoonie. Which is a huge problem. I brought my stash, of course, but what use is it? How the fuck does an honest dealer make a living during the winter in a caravan site in some Godforsaken corner of Scotland naebody has ever heard of? Give Johnny his due he’s been out in Leven every day hustling the few remaining angles, but maybe he’s just hunting fur burds. It’s been three weeks since he got laid last and he’s getting kinda antsy. That testosterone banks up and swamps the mind ye know. Many are the wondrous feats of stupidity perpetrated by horny men.
“You know trying to find a trick on the street is too much like hard work. You want to open an oaffice.”
“Why an office?”
“If you had an oaffice the tricks would come tae you.”
“Why?”
“Tae buy your services of course”
“And what are my services?”
“You’ll be relieving them of their cash.”
“Just like that?”
“Just a little mind you, no enough tae send naebody tae the polis.”
“Ye’ll have tae be specific Bood – what would I be selling?”
“Dreams Johnny Boy – dreams.”
“Fan fuckin tastic Buddha – wid you get tae the point?”
“A raffle – a lottery, anything that cost you nowt to organise and the punter only a few coppers tae play. We can use the laptop tae design the necessary and print them off in the site office.”
“Won’t they be suspicious at the office?”
“We’ll wait till they’ve gone hame – I have the key right here.”
“That’s a screwdriver.”
“It’s a key in the right hands.”
“So we are going to run a fake lottery no one will ever win. Won’t people be pissed when they find out?”
“They never will. Millions of people dae the lottery every day and not one of them realises that they were ripped off. I’ve done the maths Johnny and statistically speaking yer odds of winnin’ are about the same if ye buy a ticket or not. No-one seriously expects tae win the lottery anyway. They dae it just in case; people are playing ‘cause it fuels the old pipedreams for a wee while. They get to imagine what they would spend it on if they did win; an entirely vicarious thrill costing a mere pound. Of course our lottery will cost a fiver ‘cause you get five lines wi every ticket. It’s a special international lottery which gives out billions in prizes every day and it’s all tax free because they are based in The Cayman Islands.”
“Looking at it that way people are pretty stupid., eh?”
“The stupid ones are, but the rest are just greedy. Never make the mistake of thinking yer trick is stupid Johnny, never underestimate anybody. If you find a trick who is genuinely stupid – walk away. Have nae dealings wi the stupid whatsoever.”
“Surely they are the easiest tricks?”
“Too easy, but unpredictable. You ever know how the stupid will react to being made a cunt of Johnny. The prisons are full of stupid fuckers who killed for nae apparent reason. Nothing is more dangerous that brute ignorance and conscientious stupidity. Have no dealings whatsoever with the stupid Johnny. If you huv a stupid friend – boot him intae touch. If ye huv stupid customers – get rid of them before they get ye busted; I guarantee ye that they tell every cunt they meet everything they know about you. No drug, not even booze, causes some much strife. If we're looking for the source of our fuckin’ woes, we shouldnae be testin’ folk for drugs, we should be testin’ them for stupidity. There’s nae fuckin’ rehab fur the stupid – they’re always fuckin’ stupid and that’s a fact. What was it Oscar Wilde said? ‘There is no sin but stupidity’ I reckon he was spot on; stupidity is the route of all evil.”
“We can all be stupid at times Buddha – people make mistakes.”
“I agree, but that’s no whit am talking about. I’m talking about the terminally stupid – the ones who cannae learn fi their mistakes; because they were right to make them and would do it again tomorrow for the same inane, stupid reasons they did it today. I’m serious Johnny – you let the stupid into your life and chaos ensues. That’s enough philosophy fur one day – fire up the laptop an’ let’s get tae work.”
Epilogue
I wish Johnny had listened to me. Perhaps I should have placed more emphasis on the stupid, but Johnny found he was willing tae indulge stupidity if it came wi a pretty face. That peccadillo was to cost him dearly one day, but that’s another story and I’m no the man tae tell it. Creativity being the cessation of stupidity our lottery scheme worked out well. We only sold two hundred or so tickets, but that raised over five grand and meant we were able to pay off our ‘creditors’ and still have some change for beer. All’s well that ends well they say – except this is no the end, but the beginning.
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