kung fu

I can bear your scrutiny         if you can bear mine      after all, we’re cousins     and guilty of similar crimes     I lashed out in pain      what’s your modus vivendi?      were you driven by fear and greed?       coz you rolled right over me     but you did not hear me cry     isn’t it strange that you find me       just as you’d want me to be?        I had to love myself in self defence      because you wouldn’t do it for me       I crafted myself a shadow       to mirror my every move        you know it looks more like you than I      I mislaid it in the dark      what does that thought signify?

live now pay later

 I’ve battened down my hatches      I’m now fully submerged        into my approximate cliché      am I drowning?     don’t tell me I’m drowning        is this hell?     please  tell me we’re not in hell     is this the niche that's carved me?      the petty bourgeois hero     of countless banal fantasies     panhandling for change in the world of broken actors        

 the inner eye never lies        and I can read my chart       I was high on the great deception      but I never had a dime       my life just flushed before me         sixty years a loser     and always arse deep in debt    but I’ve been informed by my sponsor    of a happy ever after    coz there ain’t no paupers in heaven       and there ain’t no tally men either       seems  like folk in heaven     are having a hell of a time

haunted

 lifeless old notions      and long dead ideas      dog my steps     I cannot shake them off     I drag out those sad old fossils      to salt my wounds on lonely nights      I believe in magic because I’m a child     but I believe in ghosts because I’m aged      ghosts are our unfinished business     we haunt ourselves        always and everywhere      with the spectres of things that happened      and the spectres of things that didn’t      even dreams are wraiths that pursue us in our sleep      in the night my ghosts have voices     they tell me I’m a ghost too       that I carry ghosts within me      I am empty of everything     save my ghosts       my head is a haunted house      and ghosts my hollow companions

psalm

we shall be as chaff     before the earth gives way    our tears shall run dry    before the oceans do    the world will still turn    without our pushing      life will go on as before    no great change    will mark our passing     the pain of the world    shall not end    with our departing      but shall go on long after      we have ceased caring

 

honest john

I could have been a big time dealer     a crooked politician     or a rock n roll star    but I’m a two time loser     with comic book credentials      that stink of soured dreams and dirty linen      I’ve been a naughty boy again     I soiled my character      with another unfortunate truth       they say you don’t have to apologise for the truth       that the truth speaks for itself        well, the truth is obscene        it’s just another lie      a big shitty lie with sprinkles on it        we live in a world of lies      we cling to our sacred deceptions      swearing by almighty god     that the account we shall give      shall be the whole truth       it don’t bear thinking about        but I do     I think about it constantly       the truth is a terrible thing      and I’ve sickened of it     so pluck out my eyes        stop up my ears      shield me from the merciless truth      with beautiful and comforting lies 

coyotes

 I was just saying     I’m at an all time low      I need a new prescription     to lift me off the floor      everybody is on some level      where will I find you?      beyond all moral conventions?     striving to break free?    I have no social ambitions        does that make me a loner?      am I outside of society?    we all get a little lonely      we all need love sometime      where did you get yours?       where do I find mine?       like rivers flow into the ocean       to merge with the deep blue sea       there are things that only pass between      the likes of you and me      

an empire of lies

don’t worry          I’m not about to forgive you        it’s not my place to forgive you       people tell lies for all sorts of reasons           it doesn’t mean they are bad       it doesn’t make them wrong        sometimes we lie to spare the feelings of others         most of the time we lie because we are afraid            fear makes liars of us all          whole civilisations have been built on well-intentioned lies        I know you meant no harm       I’m sure you had the truth in mind        at some point in the future          this will be the past       I’ve already burned my diary     my last statement shall be ash        life     my friend       is fleeting        we shall leave no trace behind us        and our troubles       will have washed away     diluted in the oceans of time

feline

 older now     but clearly no wiser     I showed a little interest     lapped it right up    the cat that stole the cream     but I won’t be neutered     by sympathetic vibrations      ‘no one fucks like that – unless they really mean it’    was that an accusation?      was it a compliment?      I showed a little interest      for a moment you were everything     but you murdered that moment       when you put it under the microscope       you murdered that moment      and I’m over it now…

fraternity

 after forty days and nights    I’ve come in from the wilderness      to make my bed where the wild things sleep   naked and alone    but I can bear the load    coz in my story I am free     but makes me so certain?    what does freedom mean to me?   well, I’m not free enough     and I’m not satisfied    where’s the peace of mind  I was guaranteed     when I cut the cords that bind?   I cultivated a little space    on the edge of society   coz I’ve lost faith in people    as they’ve lost track of me     I’m something of a misanthrope     it cannot be denied       it was learn to love my neighbour    or find a place to hide     

bittersweet

in the place where you are     rooted as you are    habitually static   do you feel incomplete?     is there hunger still in you?      have you come very far, in the course of a lifetime?      was the journey worthwhile, the way you remember?     could you do with a bit more emotional warfare?    are you finally done with me, now I’ve surrendered?

to tell you the truth     I saw it coming      felt trouble gnawing   deep in my entrails      maybe that feeling tainted my actions     and I drew trouble to me      with dread apprehension     battling shadows    like a child in the dark       was I sowing the seeds of intent?      did I walk a crooked path?       all prophesy is self fulfilling      it’s a law of nature     even I realise that

least said, soonest mended       I’ll reserve my judgements     for the early hours        to reflect in a vacuum     the role that I played in this latest debacle     I hold a fascination for the patterns of disgrace      and we were both disgraced in this episode     so I’ll bury you now      but I’ll mark the grave for later      I’m bound to return to the scene of the crime

we all have needs     some more than others    we do what we have to     in order to survive with egos intact     people get hurt     and get hurt in the hurting     some wounds heal       some wounds fester      some wounds are licked     because we like the flavour      there are bittersweet confections     that linger in the heart

betrayal

teach me how cruel you are    cruel and false   you have wounded my heart    and those wounds last a lifetime   I know more than I want to know   I know you only lied   to protect me from the truth    you were only thinking of me   and never of yourself   what sacrifices you’ve made     all in the name of love   what a tangled web you’ve woven     just for lucky old me    

it’s all a big mistake you say    but the big mistake was mine    I never should have trusted you    I don’t even trust myself    I’ve shit on almost everyone who ever trusted me    and I usually told myself I was doing it for love

it’s hard to tell who really has your back   some have it just long enough to park a blade   but I shouldn’t be humiliated    or angered by that    betrayal is the inevitable consequence of trust       

I guess I can forgive   but I know I can’t forget    we’re still broken baby     I think we murdered love   the bed we shared is now a tomb   the faint edge of depression    blurs into constellations of hopelessness   and the tentative hopes  we wound between our sheets   flee the scrutiny of daylight       there’s nothing left to say     so I’ll just leave now     before the sun arrives      to confiscate what little dignity     is afforded us in our silence

listen to the Creature EP

Animus

there may have been

some reason

for my wild elation

I think I had forgotten

to take my medication

I simply don’t remember

I try not to forget

but if there’s method

to my mania

I haven’t found it yet

and I was high

so very high

on the night we met

you made it easy for me

to cross the killing floor

you told me with some certainty

that we had met before

we coupled in a frenzy

we had a physical rapport

and shared the kind of passion

that left me wanting more

but your words were less than kind

and cut me to the core

you said you’d had enough of me

and showed me to the door

.

Donut

for a while there

Donut had the key

to his knackers

but it was all display

Blondie was a closet case

who hid his true vocation

behind a heterosexual smoke screen

but it was a thin veneer

which fooled no-one but Donut

she was a grade A junkie

who professed a grade B love

for her young suitor

her man Donny found out

but he was supposed to

he reckoned he was

going to get basic

on Blondie’s arse

and I could understand his feelings

but I told him the road to Blondie

ran through me, so he backed off

I liked the man

he was a decent sort

who carried his own burdens

like a man

not all junkies are thieves

most are just ordinary people

with monkeys to feed

anyway, Donut heard about

my conversation with Donny

and immediately switched tack

I was round there one day

looking for a little hash

and she was crying about Blondie

who’d been giving her space recently

I put my arm around her, as you do

when Donny returned

and she pushed me away saying:

“No Johnny, I won’t fuck you!”

I was amazed, then amused

you see, it was all about Donny

it was all about power

Donny was giving me the hard look

which made things even more amusing

from my perspective

I left with peals of laughter trailing

but I did not return

for the matinee performance

Parade

I’m no knocker

no tattle tale

but I was at the front

of her big parade

remember me?

I was the arsehole

with the big bass drum

counting steps

and keeping time

with regimental

precision

.

everything was cushty

everything was sweet

until the rain

put the mockers

on her big day

there were tantrums

there were tears

she put on quite

a performance

and in all honesty

she preferred it that way

.

Barley

this happy heart

will be the death

of poor me

I tilled the earth

then scattered

cancelling

my subscription

to the ever after

to carve myself

a solitary path

through golden

fields of barley

in the soft

summer rain

.

Tragedian

Sally threatened suicide

she did from time to time

it was no cry for help

but a demand for servitude

I’d have given her anything

under any other terms

but she came as the victim

of numerous insoluble crimes

her eyes were always offended

they were tuned to disappointment

she said she’d turned a corner

on another dead-end street

.

I felt the momentum

of some terrible gravity

dragging at my entrails

hers was a brutal surgery

born of desperation

the decision was mine

my choices were limited

by narrowing circumstance

to a fight or flight scenario

so I reluctantly opted out

but I still have a pillow for her

if she ever feels the need

.

To Dream As Gods Do

your suicide warden
garnished in chains
inspects your arsehole
where morning has fled
your pot hole eyes peering
through a lysergic purge
witness only the contents
of your dingy abode
which encapsulates the wearying
trinkets of monstrous dalliances
and licentious attacks
of falsified intentions
these are the things you’ll remember
during those lonely repasts
of quaaludes and hard liquor
green tea and ground glass
.
you learned to sleep in shallow latrines
on egyptian cotton and busted bed springs
gazing up at refracted reflections
in cracked ceiling mirrors
where decades of hope
disappeared in a murmur
to dissolve and fade like baby aspirin
.
your aged gigolos and mutant dandies
dopes on the ropes fighting losing battles
are smudged entries in last year’s diary
so your electric wire and phony smile
seemed like your last best defence
in a life grown cold
from hustling for change
and god knows you need a change
there’s one more hit left in the locker
so lay back and relax to dream as gods do
.

The Other Foot

“I hate liars!” she pronounced, with the emphasis on hate, and I knew in my deepest recess that I had been deceived. I may not be the cleverest of cookies, but I know when I’m having smoke blown up my arse.

“Everybody lies,” I replied evenly, “it’s human nature.”

“Not me – I never lie,” she bristled, now staring fixedly at the TV screen. 

My insides churned; the chords of attraction were striking a dissonant note. My heart was beating out a tattoo against my ribs. The body has its own messenger service – the body knows instinctively. I watched her as she feigned abstract disinterest. Everything I had ever observed about lying was on display. I would know because I had been one of the biggest liars on earth. I knew then that she probably prided herself internally on her ability to pull the wool, but she really was a rank amateur.

I was embarrassed for her. She’d come home with her t-shirt on inside out. She claimed that she must have gone out that way; a likely story. She’d been acting pretty cagey and pulling a lot of late shifts down at the pub. My friends were dropping hints and I recognised the signs. I invented most of the blinds that she was pulling now. I was a past master in the art of deception, but when it happened to me and the shoe was on the other foot - I felt both dirty and betrayed. Ironic you might say - betrayal previously being my stock and trade. The irony was layered because this time I had played it straight - right down the line. I did not deserve this shite - I had been as good as gold this time.

Then I got to thinking about how my previous partners must have felt while I was whoring it around. All the lies I had to tell and the people I let down. I figured this was karma and I deserved all I got. That said, I just couldn’t swallow my pride; so I showed the bitch the door. I had been deceived and I had been betrayed - I felt angry and abused, but within a week I’d swallowed hard and gone crawling back for more.

.

Fish n Chips

Oh Lord, lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some cheap thrills. This one looks game for a laugh; she’s all fur coat and no knickers, not that I hold that against her. I know her slightly - just enough to know I ought to maintain a little distance. She’s comely all the same and the mere idea of her gives me a hard on; the way that casual acquaintance does when you’re on a sexual high and possess little moral fibre. I’ve known a few mongrels in my time, but this one takes the biscuit and she takes it greedy like.

I don’t mean to make it seem that I lack respect, but I recognise the limitations of this faux romance. Still the pretence of courtship is all part of the ritual – though I doubt that she even remembers my name. We’ll do the deed alfresco – doggy style – with no inhibition or manners. We’ll grab some fish and chips after and converse inanely for the first and last time.

.

Sixteen

there were days
when we lived
as if we’d never die
days we were
perfected
among the race
because our love
was the first love
to ever reach
those heights
but we were sixteen
and did not know
that time was a thief
who’d steal our love
and leave us naught
but our memories
.