18 February 2019
Circumstances
5 November 2018
Shades
4 September 2018
Rental Dogs
29 March 2018
Gummy Bears
“Yes you do.”
18 March 2018
East Of Leven
I could dae this of my own accord you know. I dinnae need the spike, the earmuffs and the diamond collar. I do awright oan ma ane. I kin write awright if ah kin just get some sleep! Men of a certain age, especially those of the manic-depressive persuasion, often find it difficult tae sleep. Loads of pent up emotion an’ barely supressed anger keeps them awake at night. You’ll find that many men of a certain age carry luggage heavy wi pent up emotion an’ barely supressed anger; it’s the lack of fuckin’ sleep that does it.
I’m in an awfy fix. I’m in Scoonie, East of Leven; Scotland’s ane Anus Mundie. I came here tae get away from it all. Fuckin’ well succeeded tae – I’m miles away from anything. This place was designated as pointless back in 1962 and filed under forgotten; do not resuscitate. Some part of me has died here. There is some portion of Scoonie, East of Leven, that shall forever remain Buddha in an unmarked grave.
Brought Johnny. Fat lotta use he is. All he talks about are burds; burds he’s shagged and burds he wants tae shag. He’s goat it bad that yin. He was gifted wi a beautiful intellect which resides in the glans of his penis. I love the guy tae death, but one day that cock o’ his will lead him into mair than temptation. I told him tae be meagre wi his wants, but on that score he’s the greediest bastard a’ ever met.
We’re no exactly oan holiday here. This is no gentleman’s junket. We’re on the lam. No fi the law or that, but fi our friends. Our pals want a pound of our flesh. Some depressing tale involving supposed MDMA tablets and an alleged horse tranquiliser. A very ugly story, but all too common in today’s marketplace. We were merely intermediaries in this carfuffle, but since the primary agents had absconded wi the loot, we were held by many tae be responsible. Stupid bastards. To a man they are all stupid bastards and the stupid like to weigh in mob handed. The mob that’s after us is comprises of some unsavoury characters who’d just as soon knife you as kick ye in the head when yer down. We’re running from a lynching – there’s nothing the stupid love more than a good lynching. They’ll never find us in Scoonie though. God cudnae find us in Scoonie.
I brought my stash, of course, but it’s running low an’ I’m rationing the whizz. Give Johnny his due he’s been out in Leven every day hustling the few remaining angles, but maybe he’s just hunting fur burds. It’s been three weeks since he got laid last and he’s getting kinda antsy. That testosterone banks up and swamps the brain ye know. Many are the wondrous feats of stupidity perpetrated by horny men.
“You know trying to find a trick on the street is too much like hard work. You want to open an oaffice.”
“Why an office?”
“If you had an oaffice the tricks would come tae you.”
“Why?”
“Tae buy your services of course”
“And what are my services?”
“You’ll be relieving them of their cash.”
“Just like that?”
“Just a little mind you, no enough tae send naebody tae the polis.”
“Ye’ll have tae be specific Buud – what would I be selling?”
“Dreams Johnny Boy – dreams.”
“Fan fuckin tastic Buddha – wid you get tae the point?”
“A raffle – a lottery, anything that costs us nowt to organise and the punter only a few coppers tae play. We can use the laptop tae design the necessary and print them off in the site office.”
“Won’t they be suspicious at the office?”
“We’ll wait till they’ve gone hame – I have the key right here.”
“That’s a screwdriver.”
“It’s a key in the right hands.”
“What are we raffling Buddha?”
“A luxury caravan – fur Save The Children.”
“So we are going to run a fake raffle no one will ever win. Won’t people be pissed when they find out?”
“They never will. Millions of people dae the lottery every day and not one of them realises that they were ripped off. I’ve done the maths Johnny and statistically speaking yer odds of winnin’ are about the same if ye buy a ticket or not. No-one seriously expects tae win the lottery anyway. They dae it just in case; people are playing ‘cause it fuels the old pipe dreams for a wee while. They get to imagine what they would spend it on if they did win; an entirely vicarious thrill costing a mere pound.”
“Looking at it that way people are pretty stupid., eh?”
“The stupid ones are, but the rest are just greedy. Never make the mistake of thinking yer trick is stupid Johnny, never underestimate anybody. If you find a trick who is genuinely stupid – walk away. Have nae dealings wi the stupid whatsoever.”
“Surely they are the easiest tricks?”
“Too easy, but unpredictable. You never know how the stupid will react to being made a cunt of Johnny. The prisons are full of stupid fuckers who killed for nae apparent reason. Nothing is more dangerous than brute ignorance and conscientious stupidity. Have no dealings whatsoever with the stupid Johnny. If you huv a stupid friend – boot him intae touch. If ye huv stupid customers – get rid of them before they get ye busted; I guarantee ye that they tell every cunt they meet everything they know about you. No drug, not even booze, causes so much strife. If we're looking for the source of our fuckin’ woes, we shouldnae be testin’ folk for drugs, we should be testin’ them for stupidity. There’s nae fuckin’ rehab fur the stupid – they’re always fuckin’ stupid and that’s a fact. What was it Oscar Wilde said? ‘There is no sin but stupidity’ I reckon he was spot on; stupidity is the route of all evil.”
“We can all be stupid at times Buddha – people make mistakes.”
“I agree, but that’s no whit am talking about. I’m talking about the terminally stupid – the ones who cannae learn fi their mistakes; because they were right to make them and would do it again tomorrow for the same inane, stupid reasons they did it today. I’m serious Johnny – you let the stupid into your life and chaos ensues. That’s enough philosophy fur one day – fire up the laptop an’ let’s get tae work.”
Epilogue
I wish Johnny had listened to me. Perhaps I should have placed more emphasis on the stupid, but Johnny found he was willing tae indulge stupidity if it came wi a pretty face. That peccadillo was to cost him dearly one day, but that’s another story and I’m no the man tae tell it. Creativity being the cessation of stupidity our raffle scheme worked out well. We only sold a coupla hundred tickets, but that raised enough to dig us oot a hole and still have some change for beer. All’s well that ends well they say – except this is no the end, but the beginning.
.
17 February 2018
The Boy Who Wept
His name was Calum Fraser and he was seventeen, though none of us knew this at the time. The folk on the ward just referred to him as the boy who cries. Calum cried a lot – no, Calum wept a lot. You might say he was inconsolable, but I don’t remember anyone actually trying to console him. It was heart rending and it was embarrassing. So we did our best to ignore him. I thought about going to him once or twice. To put my arm around him and ask him what was wrong, but I never did. I always figured he had lost someone. You only grieve like that when you have lost someone.
Poor Calum. He wept both night and day. I know because he slept in my dorm and kept me awake with his sobbing. One night I lost the rag and told him that if he did not shut up I’d give him something to cry about. I felt instant shame. Those words shame me still. He stopped crying a few days later when he fashioned a noose from a bed sheet and hung himself in a toilet cubicle.
It must have taken a determined effort to hang himself on his knees like that. He was still kneeling in the doorway of the cubicle when I found him; the improvised noose held him upright in cruel mockery of prayer. His had been a gruesome death, a violent death, the bulging eyes and bloated tongue attested to that. I hoped to God that he’d found some peace and that death had finally dried his tears.
.
16 September 2017
Soulless Episode III
I’m no some wee whore fi the scheme who’ll let you pick her up or let her doon as ye fuckin’ well please. I deserve mair than that!”
21 August 2017
Bagman
29 May 2017
Richard
21 November 2016
Forgiven
Big
Malky went down hard. He took a hell of a beating before he cracked, but crack
he did. After a couple of hours of relentless punishment, he was sobbing like a
baby and pleading for his life.
“Please Mo – there’s no need for this. You dinnae huv tae dae this. I’ll go away – you’ll never see me again. I’ll gie you money – anything you want – just dinnae dae this.”
His words burbled in his bloody mouth and I was both disgusted by the display and elated by the sense of power it produced. The once mighty Malcolm McTear, the last man on my list, begging for mercy – crying like a schoolgirl. I let him go on for a while, but the final word went to my 1911 Colt 45. I whipped the big pistol out and without a second glance tapped him on the forehead – right between the eyes. There was blood and brain everywhere. I was pleased by the action – solid and professional like.
“Did ye see that boys? One slick movement – like a fuckin’ samurai.”
I was determined that everyone on the list would be dispatched before the old man’s funeral and I had achieved my goal. The old man would be pleased and I imagined him watching from on high with a big smile on his face. He was a wise one my father – not only was I visiting vengeance on his enemies – I was clearing the ground for increased business. He knew that these scumbags would try it on with me after he was dead and that the wisest thing for me to do would be to liquidate them before they became a nuisance.
The whole operation had proven to be much easier than I had anticipated. We caught them napping – they thought their troubles were over when they heard that the old man had snuffed it. They were soon to be proven wrong. Most of these so called hard men had pleaded for mercy and I had shown it through the barrel of my gun. All except Jimmy the Flea, he had stood his ground right up to the end.
“You cunts had better kill me – cause I’ll be coming back for ye. You Mo – you’re scum just like yer dad. We had a party to celebrate when that dirty old fucker died – and mark my words – you’ll be following him soon enough...”
I silenced him mid tirade – he was boring me, but he went down fighting and I respected that. I made a mental note to take care of Flea’s two boys – if they had half the bottle their old man had they could become a problem. For the time being though my work was done and I could focus on dad’s funeral – it would be the biggest the city had ever seen with faces from all over the country coming to pay their respects.
The day
the old man died the whole family were gathered around and mum was insisting
that they send for a priest. The old man was against the idea until mum said to
him that she’d miss him should he end up in purgatory. He eventually relented
and Father Mulligan was sent for, but the old man was as awkward and stubborn
as ever.
“Do you renounce the devil and all his works?”
“I do Father.”
“Do you forgive your enemies?”
The old man did not answer but lay there staring into space.
“Do you forgive your enemies?”
Again the old man did not respond.
“For the sake of your immortal soul Jock – do you forgive your enemies?”
“Aye, alright – I forgive my fuckin’ enemies!” rasped the old man.
He then turned to me and fixed me with his steely gaze.
“But there’s no need for you to be forgiving anybody Maurice.”
19 November 2016
The Cuckoo
She had turned
her dressing table into a shrine and it broke my heart to see; there were
photographs, postcards, letters, jewelry, trinkets, and all the bric-a-brac of
romance. Two years after Paul’s death and she was still in mourning. The flat
they once shared was a mausoleum to his memory; unchanged since that fateful
day.
I once fostered hopes that she might turn to me after a suitable term of grieving, but I had become that most pitiable of species – the best friend. I longed to tell her how I felt, but I dared not because I knew she would be horrified. She trusted me and I felt that at some basic level my love was a betrayal of that trust. My love for her was just another of my guilty secrets and something best left unspoken.
When she told
me she needed a hand sorting out old clothes for some charity shop I briefly
hoped that she had begun to clear out some of Paul’s old things; that she had
perhaps started to move on. When I got to the flat, however, I discovered that
it was her own clothes she was throwing out. Looking at the assorted jumble of
clothing I wondered if she was not divesting herself of the last remnants of
colour in her life.
“Thanks for coming around Pete, I really appreciate it.”
“No problem Marie; anything I can do to help...”
"There’s bound to be better things you could be doing on a Friday evening.”
“Not really – unless you count my busy TV schedule.”
“You need a girlfriend.”
“You’re probably right.”
There followed an excruciatingly embarrassed silence which lasted a heartbeat, but which filled an eternity. She had taken to these pronouncements lately and I had never formulated a decent retort. I should have found a girlfriend and gotten on with my life, but it was already too late. Paul’s death wrecked both our lives and we orbited each other at a discretionary distance – both of us alone in our private grief.
After dropping the clothes of at the charity shop she invited me back to the flat for a coffee. I was hoping she would. We wound our way up the tight concrete stairwell and I recalled the nightmare of hauling their furniture up those steps – Paul and I heaving and cursing with every footfall. But we were laughing too; those were happier times, before he got ill and dragged us all into hell with him. On the top landing to the right of the flat was the door that lead to the roof – it was padlocked now, but that did not stop the memories from flooding back each time I saw it.
Paul had been an outgoing and vivacious character and was always the first to see the funny side. He was the perennial joker and the life and soul of any gathering, but Paul began to change. He threw malevolent tantrums and sulked in deep depressive funks which were counterpoised with manic highs when he lost all sense of propriety. Marie nearly left him then, but when he was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder she thought her place was by his side fighting his dreadful affliction.
That day Marie had called me and asked if I could pop by and check on Paul because she would be delayed at work and he was not answering the phone. He was prone to ignoring the phone, so there was nothing untoward in that, but she worried nonetheless. When I got to the flat there was no answer, but the door was unlocked so I went inside. There was no sign of Paul, but his typewriter was on the kitchen table and initially, I was glad to see that he had been writing again.
A man acquainted with sorrow,
weary of the
world, tired of life,
has no faith
in tomorrow,
no taste for
endless strife,
sorrow rules
his heart,
and measures
every beat,
tears his soul
apart,
and turns his
flesh to meat.
It seemed such a sad hymnal that it gave me a chill inside. My friend was fighting for his life and I was impotent in the struggle. He was not in the flat, but I knew where he would be – I found him on the roof watching the traffic flow by below.
“Hey, Paul – how you doing?”
“As well as can be expected.”
“You writing?”
“Only obituaries.”
It was so hard to reach him sometimes – every inquiry only threw up negative responses and sometimes they were chilling. I really felt sorry for Marie. She had to deal with his blank numb ripostes and his suicidal ideation. I could see it was crushing her spirit, but Paul did not seem to notice, he seemed on a track of his own and oblivious to the world around him.
“Well that’s something – at least you are writing.” I smiled hopefully.
“It’s pointless.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Everything we do is pointless. We steal our days while we fend off the inevitable. I just wish it was over.”
I don’t know what came over me. I was angry with him, frustrated by him. I’d had enough. I charged into him and gave him a hard shove. He toppled over the side of the building and landed with a sickening thud. My only thoughts then were that I hoped he was dead and that no one had seen me.