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4 May 2019

Islands

I was never sectioned. I went in voluntarily. Still, getting in was easier than getting out again. I had to play a game of incremental improvement - softly, softly catchee monkey. I spent a month in that shithole, pretending to get well. I never felt so isolated in my life. The wards of that crumbling old hospital were named after Scottish islands. That seemed appropriate, because the people in there were islands too.


28 February 2019

Moonbeams


did you hear the moonbeams sing?

it was a low, soft, shimmering song

the silver filaments of night

coated the earth in honeydew

and the moon sighed

as she revealed

the secret feast nocturnal

and you and I 

replete in our birthday suits

shivered in the cool air

cascading droplets

from our midnight swim

and the unspoken promises

of all the lovers

in all the world

never touched our lips


22 February 2019

Incremental




















the coroner     ruled it misadventure      an accidental overdose     of pills and booze     but I knew better     this was the final act     of an incremental suicide       he’d been reaching for oblivion     for most of his adult life      too much was never enough     to feed the tyrant       that reigned as sovereign      over some secret portion     of a heavy heart     but who could name that beast       or explain its design       for here was a lonely man      who was never alone     who was well loved         and loved well in return


Over Easy


Tea Bag and Leaky Dave

made lunatic enquiries

from the edge

of the frying pan

and you can get singed

at the edge

of the frying pan

but what do poor boys do

when their alternatives

have shrunk?

some said it was a compact

others said that

they were drunk

and everybody wondered

were they pushed

until they jumped?



20 February 2019

Crumbs



these here
are just crumbs
I keep the cookies stashed
back at the gallows tree

I sneaked a peek
in your pyjama case
I see that you’re a stayer
but I’m about to leave

my bus is late
that’s not news
I forked out for a ticket
that may not be of use

I’ve grown used to delays
this entire route
is littered with no returns
stranded in transit stops

I’ve seen all I’ve seen
an eternity on the omni
takes a moment to discover
but a lifetime to express


18 February 2019

Circumstances


I’ll admit I wasn’t too phased by what happened to Doc. I might even have profited by it. Anyway, what’s another dead junkie in the scheme of things? Buddha, however, took it bad. It turns out he and Doc were close back in the day.

“They slaughtered him like a pig Johnny. What was the point in that?”

“Finney says he’s cleaning up the neighbourhood, that junk is a scourge.”

“The real scourge is folk like you and Finney. It’s men like you who make the schemes hell to live in.”

“C’mon Buddha – I’m just a businessman making a living. If I wasn’t selling the dope, some other cunt would.”

“Does that salve yer conscience Johnny? The old supply and demand argument. The fact is that it isn’t someone else – it’s you. It’s your karma Johnny and no-one else’s.”

“It’s a dog eat dog world Buddha. I didn’t make the rules”

“All dogs say that Johnny. You didn’t make the rules, but ye enforce them.”

I didn’t like the way this was going. Did Buddha just call me a dog? Cheeky cunt was getting overly familiar. What was his problem anyway – I didn’t stab Doc – Finney did. I was bristling and groping for a reply.

“But it’s human nature Buddha – we’re a greedy lot.”

“Dinnae gimme yer Social Darwinism, or that Libertarian crap. That’s the philosophical equivalent of a bag full of feral cats. There’s your basic misconception about human beings. We’re not successful because we’re competitive. We’re successful because we are co-operative. It’s not the survival of the fittest, or the fastest, or the smartest. It’s the most adaptable who survive. Those who can change with circumstances. I’m a stubborn cunt though Johnny, you have to prove to me that there are genuine circumstances to change with. I’ve been around and I’ve seen loads of fake circumstances. A man would be a fool tae adapt to those. What about you Johnny – dae you see any change in circumstances approaching?”

Buddha had lost me again. He was driving at something. I didn’t quite get what it was, but I had a feeling I didn’t like it. I tried to change the subject away from me and my circumstances.

“You know that I tried to score fae Doc back in the day. Aye, he said he’d tell my mother if he ever caught me anywhere near junk. I shat it. Never tried tae score in the scheme again.”

“He was a good sort was Doc. He put me up when I got out of the looney bin.”

“You were in the looney bin?”

“Briefly”

“How come.”

“A wee misunderstanding about the nature of reality.”

“You got it sorted then?”

“No, ye cannae tell anybody anything. No-one listens. I keep that shit to myself now.”

“Dae ye?”

“You’re no listening.”

“I might be.”

“I doubt it.”

There was an embarrassed silence. Just for a moment. I suddenly realised that the Buddha was angry. I’d never seen him angry before. He was angry with me, but I couldn’t work out why.

“He was a Christian ye know.”

“Doc? Was he?”

“Aye.”

“Well, we are all Christians more or less.”

“No, we aren’t. Doc was the only man I ever met who’d turn the other cheek, or give ye the shirt off his back. He was a real Christian – not more or less.”

“Aye, well if he had the love of Jesus – why did he need junk?”

“Human frailty. I said he was a Christian. I didnae say he was perfect.”

“I didn’t know the man. We moved in different circles.”

“That’s where yer wrong. You move in the same circles, but you dae it in a Mercedes.”

“Is there something on yer mind Buddha? Something ye want to say?”

“I’m saying it.”

“Well you’ll have tae speak up – cause I cannae hear ye.”


“I’m saying that if karma dealt such a blow tae a man like Doc – what’s in store for you Johnny?”

“Let me worry about that Buddha – I can take care of myself.”

“Can ye?”

“What’s it tae you?”

“I’m yer friend Johnny – probably the only real friend ye have.”

“I have friends – lots of friends.”

“Will they tell you when you are wrong?”

“Of course they will.”

“Then let me tell ye – you are wrong Johnny. You are all wrong.”

I’d had enough of that auld bastard moralising. He’d made a comfy living off the dope. He’d set himself up for life. Now he was straight he presumed to tell me how I should live mine. I stormed out of his flat without a bye or leave. I don’t take that shit from no cunt. I have friends – real friends. They don’t lay that shit at my door. They know better.

I was getting into the car, my Mercedes, when I noticed a sign outside the Episcopal Church opposite. It read: For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?” There are fucking Christians every fucking where these days.






16 February 2019

Donut

















for a while there
Donut had the key
to his knackers
but it was all display
Blondie was a closet case
who hid his true vocation
behind a heterosexual smoke screen
but it was a thin veneer
which fooled no-one but Donut
she was a grade A junkie
who professed a grade B love
for her young suitor

her man Donny found out
but he was supposed to
he reckoned he was
going to get basic
on Blondie’s arse
and I could understand his feelings
but I told him the road to Blondie
ran through me, so he backed off
I liked the man
he was a decent sort
who carried his own burdens
like a man
not all junkies are thieves
most are just ordinary people
with monkeys to feed

anyway, Donut heard about
my conversation with Donny
and immediately switched tack
I was round there one day
looking for a little hash
and she was crying about Blondie
who’d been giving her space recently
I put my arm around her, as you do
when Donny returned
and she pushed me away saying:
“No Johnny, I won’t fuck you!”

I was amazed, then amused
you see, it was all about Donny
it was all about power
Donny was giving me the hard look
which made things even more amusing
from my perspective
I left with peals of laughter trailing
but I did not return
for the matinee performance



13 February 2019

Curio















those were the dog days
of starving klepto mongrels
home before the bell
who knows what lessons
were successfully evaded
in those truant hours

back in my laboratory
I had been dissecting
the entire enchilada
and I found it suspect
from its shabby suburbs
to its furtive interior

our buxom benefactor
was obtusely square
and everything she did
seemed strangely angular
but her association
with me was perhaps
most oblique of all

I was a mere curio
the prodigious man-child
a worldly innocent
in a cabinet of horrors
and I wondered
how many junk shops
she had trawled through
just to find me



6 February 2019

Pistolero



















it was an ordinary pistol
highly sexualised
it only cost him twenty
they had asked for twenty five
he stuffed it in his pocket
with pharmaceutical intent
now he had the power
readily to hand

he showed the fucker to me
its number had been filed
it had a dodgy provenance
but that was no surprise
I told him he should ditch it
but he ignored my advice
it only cost a score
but it made him feel alive

5 February 2019

Flashback




















flashback
big piranha
got the fear
body quake
and adrenal
expulsion
it’s that
weary
old
fight
or flight
paradigm
I’ll shake it
though
I go
by the
numbers
it’s just
a question
of time

Snow



the snow lies deep
and cold
painting the world
a ghostly hue
no more
will you grow old
your moment here
is through
and mother nature’s come
to throw a blanket
over you


31 January 2019

Candles















I’ve seen people dying
incrementally
believe me
folk are soluble
and they can fade away

sometimes people die
very suddenly
believe me
folk are fragile
and can break so easily

and people simply vanish
unexpectedly
believe me
folk can disappear
without a bye or leave