I was dead on my feet
the world dragged me down
what I was doing
made me wonder
where I was going
I just had to crash out
choose a different path
but they all look the same
and they all lead to nowhere
so I chose a path with heart
a path that suited me
I named my new path freedom
because I’m always free to change
in this world
of actors everyone is a star but I’m sick of shabby showbiz I’m through with hollywood lies I have all I could ever want stashed
away in my head I made my move at
last I finally crashed out of the
picture into an impossible new world where I found new ways to live
I’ll make no
more apologies for doing
as I choose no one can put the bite
on me or pin me down with their thoughts no one really
knows me hell, I don’t even know me I’ve rewritten the screenplay and completely erased myself
is where the
hurt is
and I got a surge on
sudden fury
blood in my eyes
blind with rage
but not struck dumb
I have words
killing words
dark
and corrosive
poisonous
and vile
curse your lips
you have a filthy mouth
you love me
you hate me
you love to hate me
but you need me
you know you need me
coz I’m your one and only
you belong to me
I might do you in one day
but I’ll never set you free
better men
than I have dissolved in liquid
night while others have leaped to
their deaths because their buildings
were on fire my best friend choked
on pills he was trying to blot out
the sun he wasn’t broken he had no dark and terrible secrets he just got careless one day and that’s all it takes for an accidental murder just cop a few pills washed down with hard liquor
this is a
world of actors a theatre of
distractions one day I went off
script people called me crazy maybe I was crazy perhaps you have to be crazy to survive in this world I rehearsed
my death though my heart wasn’t in
it but I still got the scars that betray my intentions I tried to escape and I failed at failing what that says about me I’m in no place to tell
if you ain’t dealing
with power you ain’t in the
game I know that now coz she schooled me the hard way in
a world of tyrants, pimps and whores we
chose to be lovers that’s always a roll of the dice but
love don’t hurt it’s losing power
that hurts all human beings deal in
power it don’t make them wicked but it can make them crazy it’s all about control people have emotions and emotions can be manipulated she
was utterly ruthless with her affections
her love fretted my heart I
died a thousand times on her pillow but I gave as good as I got I’ll admit to being cruel lovers can be cruel but
I don’t regret my crimes in fact I’m
bound to commit some more
I have to drag
so far to find out what I’m made of sun bakes down the streets are hot can’t find my people but I can’t shadow down not with the heat I got
I walked a million miles
before I got lost got no
blues got no reds I best buckle under before I get
robbed it’s been a hard drop but I broke no bones write to me in the hospital where I get treatment like everyone else don’t lock me down don’t wind me up fix me in situ from your loving cup
yesterday’s blues
are a kick in the bollocks I try to avoid them but they still burn me down they poisoned my blood with a dubious concoction they said it was an accident I say it was foolishness but
we all agree something went wrong because
I died on the pillow while my mind
birthed a nightmare I was walking in my sleep casting
heavy shadows but I could not
escape they’d locked all the doors
I really
can’t recall everything that
happened but hallucinatory fragments
coalesce in horror a gory exhumation the dead and near dead rising I conversed
with demons who seemed familiar and fluid
and feasted with ghosts who once were friends of mine it’s
a reoccurring dream an affliction of
memory I’ve tasted my death and it plays
on my mind
I’ve had
thirty years to perfect my
excuses but sometimes things just
happen for no particular
reason one day I rolled up
empty my heart was no longer in
it that place was slowly killing
me I had to escape my fate I had to get away
you can call
me selfish but I was made that way through
pressure I could not face the future the
world had planned for me I visited
you today to put fresh flowers on
your grave and I wondered again what
might have been if I had not run that
day
the genie is
out of the bottle all magical
thought is bogus I’ll take no
comfort there I’m as good as my conscience
dictates as good as reason allows anyway,
I have nothing to defend my
ambitions are explicit I’m striving to
be human I have no expectation of a heavenly reward I am both innocent and worldly blessed and cursed in equal measure but I have it in my power to give my life
meaning the only thing that
interests me now is how to be a man
I fought hard and long I’m due my day of
rest coz I lived through my darkest
hour and I’m the stronger for it I once had the curse
I had it something chronic I developed
me some moves which were totally suicidal I made an awful mess of things and don’t expect to be forgiven but it doesn’t really matter now I’m just
grateful for the experience
it’s been an education I can move on with my life now bloody nose and all
she was cool a studied cool way too cool for me she ate me up for lunch before she set me free her killer vice was obvious foot loose and fancy free she came on like a viper just my cup of tea I thought
this was my game but it was not to be perhaps
I was not ready maybe I acted
foolishly but I felt we were alike the mystery girl and me
stumbled again bashed in my
napper shook a few loose battling with shadows but I’m alright I can take a kicking I’ll be back for more soon as my face has mended a man must learn forbearance if he wants to earn his freedom he
has to beat the count every time
they knock him down
they beat me
into submission with subtle forms
of violence and the promise of jelly
roll they found out what I was
made of and made me pay for more I struggled to repay my debts my back was against the wall I
couldn’t catch a break there was no
relief at all but I did not fade
away I hung on by a thread while the ladies of the parish furnished me with bread their kindness and generosity meant I did not freeze coz there’s no justice in a system that keeps a man on his knees
they say the darkest hour
is right before the dawn
they say all kinds of things
most of them are wrong
I’m making progress now
I’m beginning to see the light
no-one is going to save me
least of all Jesus Christ
coz the god I don’t believe in
may be benevolent and wise
but he don’t hear my prayers
and I don’t spread his lies
cursed with
the dark charisma I’ve often played
the villain but I was only ever fooling I’m not that self-important and I don’t really care what the world is saying I’ve always done as I pleased some considered me immoral I’m
not shackled by their thinking this
isn’t my soap opera I refuse to get involved in episodic drama milk
was spilled tears were shed but the tears in my eyes - were from laughter
just a little salt
for my wounds an unction for my mind there is music inside me but I can’t name the song I’m in remission, and that’s a
blessing but it’s harder to write,
and that’s ironic I’m not
complaining don’t get me wrong coz I was a madman who once swallowed lightning I suffered in wars no sane man would
fight I don’t miss the conflict but I miss the inspiration I still have that hunger I still want to write
ten thousand
miles straight without so much as a
taste I’m parched got the thirst on something chronic what about one more hit for posterity? let’s celebrate my sobriety with a cup
of god’s own remedy…
my fragile
remission hangs in the balance I’m excavating
the roots of childhood trauma that’s
not my only story but it’s the one
that hurts the most I took twelve
steps and faltered I know no higher
power the world now seems so heavy my heart cries out for ease but I’m determined to stay sober no matter what it takes
I’m here
because I’m here there is no other
place wherever you might find me that’s where I’m meant to be I’ve got to believe that, right? coz it pays to be flexible in this crazy, fucked up world I have no axe to grind no personal beliefs I’m not shackled by creed or caste to that extent I’m free
I keep my own
councel trust in my own eyes I’m not playing silly buggers here I adopted the scientific method of kicking arse and taking names I’ve crafted instruments of denial they are hidden in my head I’m not obliged to speak coz anything I do say will likely count against me if I roll off empty and there is a judgment day
you lose your
heart before you lose your mind but you get used to it loss is the currency of life do
you ever feel that way? like you
can’t see right from wrong? but you
know exactly where you’re at you’re
exiled on planet earth there’s no
known cure for that
me, I’m just a dreamer naked
before the dawn my world will never change the sun rises the sun sets the tide claws at the shore somewhere stars are dying while others are being born it’s always been that way these eyes have seen it all
I confess my faith in idiot reason because I’ve never known the truth no-one ever knows for sure questions circle like vultures I’m not afraid of questions but some questions can’t be answered and some answers can’t be questioned is love always the answer? or is love sometimes the question? I suppose it makes no difference to me because I keep my own counsel
I’m not running away I just changed my face to fit the frame you could say I’m in disguise I don’t forget the things I’ve done man, I nearly choked on them but I got over it and now I’m riding the gravy train but I had to give it up you know what I mean? I had to give it up pack it in and snuff it out no embers left to fan but there are questions there are always questions…
I believe peace
will be my final evolutionary adaption
I have no secret ambitions I left no stone unturned but I still feel like a chump it’s a question of personal power demons assault my imagination ghosts with billy clubs and poisoned
blades I ought to defend myself but
where do I begin? you cannot slay a
memory you can’t murder a dream no, violence won’t see me through I’m just howling at the moon the only distraction left to me they say there’s no peace for the
wicked I’m hoping that’s not true
I wanted the truth the way only fools want the truth but, after extensive enquiries I reached the inescapable conclusion that there are questions but there are no answers meaning is arbitrary and truth is a whore all the remaining questions are six feet deep too deep for the living
me, I’m in no position to be answering questions my bipolarchromosomes have me hung drawn and quartered strung out on electric wire
I believe what I feel
and I’m as changeable as the
weather I got a telegram from Jesus that says I’m doing fine but I’ve been let down before I’ve led a blessed life biblical disappointments aside still, I’m no wiser now than when I started out
there are wrongs that cannot be buried and there are wounds that never heal but don’t talk to me about justice I can’t afford justice justice
is for the rich and powerful not for
the likes of you and me our world is an abattoir where we fight for survival but
you can give yourself an edge your
mind is a weapon you must use it as
such or have
it used against you
notions of justice are arbitrary they say god is our final judge well,
god must be turning in his grave after serial
abominations and depraved criminal conspiracies
someone murdered innocence but
they can’t pin that on me
the faithful count their
burdens and pray for forbearance
and that’s alright
I too have burdens but I’m just a
thief so I’ll take my chances outside the
law where a man can carve his own justice I
can fend for myself I’ve often had to
this weapon is loaded it’s got to be loaded
or it’s no damn use to me
coming out of
hospital I suffered a century of frenzied depression where every
failure and humiliation was played back
to me on an endless loop of shame
what caused this horror show? -
my shrink has been barking up the wrong
tree here - because it was parasitic
beings demonic possession that’s what was wrong with me I needed an exorcism holy magic to wash my blood clean a ritual sacrifice something symbolic a virgin whore a calf of gold or something of similar dimensions instead
they beat me with psychiatric clubs
with certain
forms of demonic infestation there is a crazy person who despises the human
race and it’s illusions he longs to
trample them into the blood stained earth
when you hear of human atrocity
think of demonic beings sick, depraved beings with eyes filled with blood and mouths full of cancer in a world of anger and hatred demons are the masters they
play with idle hands and make war
within tortured minds
I wonder what
they will say about me when I am dead and gone I
imagine my obituary will be heavy I’ve
taken on mythological significance in certain quarters because I corrupted god’s will and made an abomination
of my heart the searing light of reality
brings old lies and fractured truths into sharp relief pitiless disclosure leaves no place to
hide I’m that terrible man who feasted on people’s dreams and then sold them down the Swanee I’ve
done some terrible things but never by intention things went wrong things went horribly wrong it’ll say so on my headstone
christ, I
hate the daily grind the bravest thing I do is live every day I tried to evade it I even tried suicide but in my attempts to escape pain I was only creating more pain and not just for me I shared my pain it’s communicable that way I think
too much it’s a disease thinking too much I’m coming down hard again I have a bad case of the bends I’m trapped again in limbo
snared by the pain in my mind
I’ve been
trifling with psychiatrists they’re a bit like lovers first they fuck with your head then they break your heart because
there is no fucking cure mental
illness is an immense organism dedicated to fucking up the entire human
project I’d rather have anything
wrong with my body if I could just be
right in my head how can an illness
be mental? I got soul sickness that’s what I’ve got I got soul sickness and I’m fading away fast
I don’t know
why I write or who I’m writing
for but I’m hoping for a breakthrough before the vicissitudes of age grind me
into dust I regard old age with a
shudder I won’t be an old man too
weak to hold myself together drooling
down my chin and shitting in my pants
I never rejected the possibility of an afterlife I intend to fight my way to immortality but there are three major obstacles fear power and time and I’m running out of time every man carries his own death with him a natural man confronts that fact at all times but he fights to be immortal even as the universe conspires against him
I’m high
again for no specific reason I needed space and I found it the space
between intention and action the
boundary between hope and despair
eternal vacillation pins you into yesterday it’s the same old, same old doldrums but I no longer care I’ve had news about tomorrow and tomorrow’s almost here
going
home? I thought I was they won’t let me leave they say my blood is toxic and I’m in the danger
zone coz someone mixed my meds up and
dealt me a lethal dose now I’m scared
like never before it all seems
real of course it does I suspect it is but I won’t let on I’ll just dummy up tight least said, soonest mended
they tubed me
up and leeched my blood pending the obligatory psychiatric interrogation
when they issued me with papers and stuck me here in the psycho ward where
they can better observe my exploits my prognosis still looks scary the devil is at the door the main event this moment is the battle for my soul
I’ve been straight
and sober now for nearly a thousand
years coz the game that started out
as fun ended in bloody tears some drink to remember some drink to forget others drink as penance for the crimes
that they commit me, I drank in self
defence I was fighting in a war though I never knew who the enemy was or what I was fighting for people at war with themselves will find no peace in a bottle no matter how much they drink they can never win that battle it brought me piece of mind to leave that life behind it was a fucking nightmare that somehow I survived
every villain
is a hero at least in his own
mind well, I’m no hero but
I keep on digging there’s no light
at the end of my tunnel but I keep on digging coz that’s who I am I’m just an old dog with a bone I got no fucking teeth but I do have a bone
am I the hero
of this story? I’ve had moments of
triumph and I’ve had moments of despair but I’m still here the
world needs heroes I know my world does so here I am in the flesh totally heroic but fatally flawed
without troubles
there are no heroes without heroes there are no stories without stories there is no culture but heroes are people and people are complicated nobody is intrinsically heroic everyone is somehow flawed perhaps there really are no heroes just ordinary people who persevere somehow
when I was a
young man sex, drugs and alcohol seemed the only adventures available to me so I played
the covert Casanova using my seductive wit and charm to evade detection and
responsibility I felt I’d found the
secret of happiness when I scored portable ecstasies for body, mind and
soul I reveled in the sensation of
being alive and lifting the veil on carnal delights
however, a
lifetime of excess leaves its mark on a man
I was rotting away inside but
I was in good company I was never
alone in my debauchery there was no
shortage of willing accomplices but
they dried up or died off as I got older those
days are past now I no longer indulge
in drunken thrills I’m too old to cavort with boys and girls passions
wane and memories blur for the sole
survivor of a fallen world
I wonder if
you ever think about me the way I
think about you I’ve been missing
you bad sad to confess, but true so if all your fair weather friends have cooled some dark and cloudy day you could call on me I’d never turn you away my
mind says I am foolish but my heart does not agree I’m starving for your presence you mean so much to me with us it was always easy come easy go
easy come again so you know
I’ll always be there if you ever
need a friend
I’ve become
an individual it was quite
accidental a gradual erosion of my
social organs saw me cut off from
the herd but I don’t seem to mind I like my own company I like to get things done I’m not a total misanthrope it’s nice to be liked but it isn’t essential I don’t care if someone hates me if there’s nothing they can do about
it the world can go to hell if I can have my way I
have made myself grotesque to become
an individual I’m the weirdo down
the road I’m the dissident cliché
I’m dead
calm positively serene I could be growing a soul I didn’t know I could when you are driven by the carnal it’s easy to neglect you spiritual side concentrated as you are on satisfying your
desires but now that I am governed by sympathetic
algorithms I’m a more enlightened being I’ve been developing empathy and
altruism as my new raison d' être
I never did
anything good before not just for
the sake of it but positivity has
its own reward everybody’s mad for some they cannot get enough and like attracts like it’s a basic law of nature just flood your synapses with positive
vibrations amplify the good you
find in your life don’t worry if
people think you are crazy of course you're fucking crazy you have to
be fucking crazy to believe you
have a soul
