beetles

 

hospital days are hushed and sterile      but the nights are mine alone        these sanitised corridors are bleached for deadly purpose       people come here to die     I’d bargain for salvation     …but who in hell with?     I was never born to make these deals      how do you bargain for your life?       I’ll be happy dodging between the locked wards       keeping a low profile        maybe they’ll forget about me       down in the basement      in the soul food abattoir       where the surgeons cut and paste appendages 

I‘m stalking the deathwatch beetles        that are gnawing on my bones     …the things we draw to ourselves       can be our undoing     I burn sixty coffin nails a day     cancerous nicotine stains my fingers     my world is sepia toned     spoiled milk  and   dead flowers      he who lives by the sword…     …but forget that now      I don’t want to think about that       coz I died there on the pillow      I died a thousand times       while a host of ravenous beetles      devoured me from inside     

amnesiac

 

you would not have known       to look at the cover      but the binding was faulty      the pages were loose        some were lost       others were stolen     ripped from my story       by counterfeit physicians      who erased my memories     with clumsy fingers      they burned the best ones in their incinerator       that’s a whole other me     lost in my blood      down  the fucking tubes      down the darkened corridors      through the forbidden wards     into the soft and cozy confusion      of retrograde amnesia

being bad

it’s oh so good       being bad      to taste forbidden fruit    ripened on the vine       to cut from bed to bed        having a good time          it’s oh so good       being bad        so sad when it all goes wrong       love brings out the worst in us       but it was in there all along      

I’m the perfect devil        and troubles I have brewed    tell me how bad I’ve been     it makes me feel so good        everybody has a little bad in them       it’s always been the same      love can bring us ecstasy      and love can bring us shame

I could break away

 

I could turn it around    

(I have before)     

I could break away    

I’m ready for more

so look at me

beautiful and strange     

just watch me grow     

my world rearranged

 

I don’t complain

but the sad thing is

everywhere I go      

someone is putting me on    

but I’ve got news for you     

I found something new     

I see light at the end of the tunnel     

and poor boy coming through

psychological warfare

 

I got pills that get me high      and pills that lay me low           I don’t know which is which      I just take them as prescribed      the doctors tell me when     and I don’t ask them why      it’s a psychiatric issue    that will not be denied     what can I say?      I decided to stay and fight      I  can’t run away      much as I’d like

there is a war going on     in my living room       my lovers      my friends      my enemies       everyone wants a piece of me       I don’t say no     I just wait     if they want it hard enough     they’ll come to my gate      but if they don’t      I won’t be surprised     coz I’m hiding out      behind enemy lines     

the say it’s the end      for beautiful friends      it gets all ugly     from here on in      so stay in your homes      and lock all your doors     don’t be distressed        when no-one comes near     it’s the end of the world       that much is clear      I stole these words from the radio        it was the final bulletin     at the end of the show

badge

 

she said I wore my illness like a badge      I just laughed     she didn’t know the difference       between a medal and a badge       my purple heart       was won in the war      that has raged in my mind       for most of my life       war does not ennoble men       it turns them into dogs      I left hell in my wake       and I bear the shame of that      but I’m winning that filthy war       the glory is all mine      so I’m apt to reminisce      from time to bloody time

rabid

 

they shoot mad dogs, don’t they?     I’m afraid they might shoot me      I’m maniacally rabid depressive      vicious, vain and cruel      I’m the monster you need     to balance your truth      just blame it all on me        my victims always do     but no matter how far you go       you won’t forget me      I shoulder your guilt     and your complicity    I’m the beast you once loved      the only friend you had       in whom you placed your trust      when you were frightened of the dark

you’ve faced a lot of shit      some of that came from me      I could tell you that I’m sorry       but what difference would it make?       you’re not alone with your feelings        it’s a communicable disease     if you need a fine example       you can always look  to me      I got rabies in my soul      and a monster to appease       it might take a silver bullet        to finally set me free 

not the man for you

 you had to ruin everything

kill the magic stone dead

you have to give things names

you had a few for me

it’s too late to fix things now

but I’m sorry anyhow

you said it, and it’s true

I’m just not the man for you

regret

 

they say the brave die only once       but I die on a daily basis     a thousand killer blows      assault my memory      I recall…    …but I don’t care to dwell     the past is a foreign country     I no longer speak the lingo        all that heat and fury     generated little light        and yesterday’s dreams are darkened      by the shadow of remorse

I think I’ve exhausted my options      so I’m resigned to the power that rules my fate       but I’m not complaining       coz I’m reborn on a daily basis      a thousand minor triumphs pepper my wounded ego with compensatory prizes      I have lived a full life      and balance my shame      against affections shared without regret      coz the mystery of love      outweighs the certainty of death

Abattoir

 

I was there.  Were you?  When the stupid turned cruel and cruelty was celebrated as a virtue.  They put a price on life.  It wasn't very high.  You won't get a nickel for your ounce of solid soul.  Mother, look at the troubles we wrought.  We are dropping bombs on children.  Nothing is sacred in our philosophy.  We have made an abattoir of our beautiful world.  She is stained crimson from all the lives we have rendered meat.  There's no absolution for our crimes.  Our tears will not cleanse our bloody hands and our prayers will not stave our certain defeat.

chronic dissatisfaction

 home is where the hurt is    it cannot be denied    my abode feels hollow     emptied out inside      I know I should be grateful for everything I have      but too much is never enough for me     I can never be satisfied     this malady of the soul     is the power that spurs me on     but it’s beyond my understanding       and out with my control      I wish I could be anywhere else        and anyone else but me     coz chronic dissatisfaction is a crippling disease

beliefs

 

…and the sky god made the cosmos in less than seven days…     well, you’ll believe what you want to believe     but I ain’t buying any      all beliefs are bogus      I’ve seen the harm they do       I don’t believe in anything    but my spirit knows the truth     there is wonder in the universe       and there is magic in our eyes      but beliefs will chain our minds      beliefs will render us blind      so always follow the evidence      slaughter your sacred cows     coz there is only one solid reality      and its moment eternal is now