totally fucked up

 I’m totally fucked up

it’s more than an excuse

it’s symptomatic

I’m totally fucked up

but I’m not alone.

the whole world is fucked up

as is everyone in it

we’ve all been damaged

beaten and abused

draw your own conclusions

everywhere you turn you lose

coz this old world plays rough

you know how people talk

people love to talk

of life and love and liberty

but the world has heard enough

the world don’t care who you are

or how big you dream

they’re gonna monetise you

they’re gonna monetise you

if they have to crush your soul

unconditional love

 

you were always my friend

my patient companion

didn’t you feed my hunger?

didn’t you nurse my fever?

indulge my childish schemes?

haven’t you always stood by me

no matter what I’d done?

if I ever seemed ungrateful

I’m sorry for it

I’m sorry I lost myself

I think I thought

I was someone else

someone less deserving

of your unconditional love

I just wanted you to know

I treasure that sentiment

more than I cherish life itself

near dead poets

 

the only good poet     is a dead poet

isn’t that what you said?

well, I died on the pillow

I died a thousand times

does that make me Buddha

or just some lesser brand?

crimson stains on virgin sheets

bad blood pulsed through my brain

lithium once was my friend

now my deadly enemy

‘do you know where you are?’

‘in the hospital’

‘where?’

‘everywhere’

the hospital is everywhere     stretching around me    like a bloody caul   a labyrinth of endless umbilical corridors      leading off into infinity      into the dark wards       the ghost wards       of ossified patients        and patient medics        tending to the dead     

but I have words

choice words

futile words

scribbled in the shadows

falsified in blood

just another near dead poet

wallowing in the mire

tsunami

 

I have a surge on   babelogue    scripture in the mother tongue   I love the weight    the rhythm    the cadence   of the words   as they accost the senses   a cymbal’s clash    the lightning flash     the rap of the machine gun     fuse in the imagination       is this some kind of magic?     is there substance to words?   how can they fill me up?    I’m fit to burst with the teeming    spilling    explosion of them    out there in the world there are tiny silences    little gaps    begging to be filled     in here there’s a cacophony of sound and colour screaming to get out    my head is a rain forest    a railway station    an ocean reef     I surf on a tsunami of words    crashing onto the snow white page

anecdotal

 

thanks for the coffee

and the stories too

in a world of actors

you hold your own

but I aint buying

I’m selling

I’m not a consumer

I’m purely product

this shit doesn’t just happen

I had to stitch each piece by hand

it took some time

and a little imagination

but just feel the quality of the material

my fiction has an unlikely provenance

a thousand hands sculpted its features

with brute force and ignorance

but the lies contained herein

were honestly acquired

 

punch drunk

 

every story needs a villain      might as well be me       coz I’m no fucking good      but you’re stuck with me     all I want from you is the killer blow      the coup de grace     another round       one more drink     should kill me off     don’t worry, I won’t blame you       I have a conscience      but it’s slender       no, I wouldn’t blame you      I’d blame myself     I’m getting that heavy feeling again     I’m all beat up      totally punched out      I’m not the man I thought I was        that cunt thought he could fly       but I’m paralysed      from the neck up      too many blows to the head       too much poison in my cup     I feel I’m halfway dead     I do believe I’ve had enough

je suis un zombie

 flashback       big piranha      deep in my gut

back to my cubicle

curtained in         (do not disturb)

locked out

tubed up

and glued down

the shadow of a man

the simulacrum of a corpse

I couldn’t even scream

 ‘do you remember your name?’

‘do you know where you are?’

‘do you recognise me?’

don’t ask me questions     

I know nothing   

je suis un zombie

the man death left behind

I have tasted her deadly promise

and it festers in my mind

fallen

 

I fell from the sky

and broke all my bones

gravitational force

just won’t let me go

 

I fell from the sky

but I proved I can fly

most people don’t

and they never ask why

 

I fell from the sky

believe me, its true

I fell from the sky

and so did you

 

we fell from the sky

to make this our home

perhaps we made a mistake

but at least we’re not alone

 

iodine

 

I walked into a door     or the door walked into me      I got the usual cuts and bruises       nothing to scratch home about      I’ve taken some beatings      and maybe I’m better for them     but I think I’ve learned my lesson      I think I got things straight      I’m not the man I was         and that’s cause to celebrate

no excuses, no regrets

 I’ve seen the action replays       from every conceivable angle       my life was a catastrophe     a comedy of errors      but if you could see the world through my eyes       you’d know why I’m laughing     let me turn you on     this world is a pantomime        the players only fools    and I’m the greatest fool of all      I walked through the fire     four sheets to the wind     and given the opportunity      I’d do it all again     I make no excuses        and harbour no regrets       I try to live in moment      every once in a while      I’d stop to count my blessings       but it’s simply not my style    

greed

 

money makes the world go round      and I could always use more      does that make me greedy?      the whole world is greedy       obscenely greedy     don’t put yourself on      the name of the game is greed      the devil makes his home     in the avaricious heart     so how far would you go       to get the things you want?       would you sell your soul?      would you stop to count the cost?        do you want what you need?     or do you need what you want?     you can’t take it with you when you die       there is no wealth but life

 

bread and jam

 

I’ll tan your arse     filthy boy     a lick of the belt     will teach you to cry     it was always me     singled out    this time    other times too      but I’m strong     I’ll get by      stupid cunt     do as your told     or you’ll feel my hand     you’re not too old     it’s not so bad      but if it gets worse     I’ll run away       try as you might     you can’t make me feel small      smaller than I already am      coz it’s all bread and jam        pleasure and pain      no animosity     not in this house      no tea for you    and  early to bed     where you’ll struggle to sleep       on nights filled with dread

news for dummies

 

we’ve been waiting for the world to change      most of our dread fuelled lives      but that’s not gonna happen     not in the world we live in      they say violence is instrumental       and violence can auger change        coz the good guys always win      they said so on the terrorvision     they tell us there’s freedom here at home      but that’s just another lie      freedom at large is just a dream     the name of the game is power      p-o-w-e-r     don’t put yourself on      all paths lead to the inescapable conclusion    that every victory is pyrrhic     when the war can never be won    

screaming

 

as the world spins on its axis      and the sun sinks slowly in the west      another tsunami load of recycled shit hits the fan        there’s always fresh meat for the grinder      there will always be war and rumours of war      there will always be blood on our hands       because we’re all in the shit together     it’s always been this way     you can tell me there’s love in the human heart     and that love is the universal law   but I have to laugh when presented with the irony     otherwise I’d be screaming all the way to hell     

the man who knows nothing

 

back and further back      back in the best forgotten          I once knew       yes, I once knew      but I’m now inured to knowledge       coz I roll up empty     yes, I roll up empty      more often than not     coz I screen my calls      yes, I screen my calls     so no-one burns my ears     with yesterday’s bad news      I share my dreams with ghosts     only ghosts know my true station       I’m the man who knows nothing      and the man who knows nothing      is more blessed than cursed 

hip philosophics

 

I’ve been talking with my shadow      and he seems worldly wise      but  it’s a question of dynamics        all relationships are based on power      I’ve known that from day one     so I’ll never be his hostage     he’ll never bang my drum      you may think I’m crazy    but once smitten twice shy     it’ll take more than blind faith       to unlock my locker        coz I pumped a lot of pain       and now I want concrete guarantees          I lent my instruments to a wiser fool      and he tells me I’m doing fine         he rejects the phony work ethic      he never slogged a day in his life        he says we each choose our own burdens      in our efforts to break even

she's so heavy

 

I was aware for quite some time     my favourite lover      was no friend of mine       when the lights went out      and she went to ground     I knew it was over     but I followed her down     the promise of pudding     burned in my loins      when she took my ambitions       and swallowed them whole       maybe it’s a good thing        she no longer comes around       her love was so heavy    it made me feel old      some kinds of love      like poison flows      I’m nobody’s fool    but it just goes to show     that promises may glitter    but that don’t make them gold

*image: Gustav Klimt ‘Judith The Head Of Holofernes’.

carnal knowledge

 

the satisfaction doesn’t last long      coz the more you have     the more you want     the more you want    the more you bleed out        it’s the best part of our nature     and I go along with nature     everything is about sex      except for sex     sex is about power     and we’re all into power      in a perfect world we could fuck without dominion      but sex is emotion in motion     and we carry our insecurities to the very end      the desire to fuck is insatiable    and it surpasses our morality      coz inside we’re just animals      and animals know no sin 

temptation

 

I’d live without regret, if the world would just leave me alone    I can’t tell what’s right, when all I want seems wrong     coz nothing damns us like the things we love   it’s the knowing that tempts us    it’s our pornographic mindset    that continually turns us on    there’s a charm in the forbidden      that makes it so delicious    that we are forced to concoct excuses      for doing what we want     when we could just yield to temptation     while we still have the chance

killer cosmonaut

 

I’m totally spaced out       blitzed out of existence     so catastrophically high      I cannot see the ground     they dropped the fucking bomb on me      and hit me where it hurts       hell flickered for a second        then the lights went out     now I’m locked out of the world      with nowhere else to go      my imminent re-entry      will have to be postponed      though I’m bitterly disappointed      I’ll still make it on my own        coz I’m the killer cosmonaut      I’m not afraid to be alone

bark like a gun

 

defend yourself      but don’t be cruel      fear breeds violence       and violence bleaches the soul     so I’ll fear for nothing      when there’s nothing to defend      coz I’ve walked on poisoned ground       and trod on many toes      in my efforts to break even      but I surrender now       to the entropic universe      and the power that rules my fate

don’t get me wrong      this life is beautiful           but it don’t fight fair     some say it’s heavy handed      but I don’t seem to mind        I’m not afraid     I know I’ll play my part      I’ll take my filthy sheets       and wind them through the dark      where I’ve just began     to fulfil the obligations       of any natural man      to tread softly as a angel      and bark like a fucking gun

the crown of creation

 

when I deep it    

really dig down into it     

I’m ever grateful

for the transformative power of pain    

coz I am not diminished by suffering    

I flourish in the face of adversity     

I carry the fire from the mountain 

I’m loaded with that energy

I am more than the sum of my parts

you can ask anyone       

I’m the crown of creation      

and the anthem of the sun    

villain

 

every hero needs a villain       every villain thinks he’s a hero    conflict is the source of all drama      Tam would know about drama        he authored plenty       it took me an age to catch on      but he finally set me straight      he thought that I needed toughened up    he was teaching me how to hate      

a father’s love can crush a boy        or temper him in the fire     Tam is just a story now      the family bogeyman       I play the hero in the tales that I tell         stories of love and hate   not as some dialectic process     but a living contradiction       played out in a homemade hell

beetles

 

hospital days are hushed and sterile      but the nights are mine alone        these sanitised corridors are bleached for deadly purpose       people come here to die     I’d bargain for salvation     …but who in hell with?     I was never born to make these deals      how do you bargain for your life?       I’ll be happy dodging between the locked wards       keeping a low profile        maybe they’ll forget about me       down in the basement      in the soul food abattoir       where the surgeons cut and paste appendages 

I‘m stalking the deathwatch beetles        that are gnawing on my bones     …the things we draw to ourselves       can be our undoing     I burn sixty coffin nails a day     cancerous nicotine stains my fingers     my world is sepia toned     spoiled milk  and   dead flowers      he who lives by the sword…     …but forget that now      I don’t want to think about that       coz I died there on the pillow      I died a thousand times       while a host of ravenous beetles      devoured me from inside     

amnesiac

 

you would not have known       to look at the cover      but the binding was faulty      the pages were loose        some were lost       others were stolen     ripped from my story       by counterfeit physicians      who erased my memories     with clumsy fingers      they burned the best ones in their incinerator       that’s a whole other me     lost in my blood      down  the fucking tubes      down the darkened corridors      through the forbidden wards     into the soft and cozy confusion      of retrograde amnesia

being bad

it’s oh so good       being bad      to taste forbidden fruit    ripened on the vine       to cut from bed to bed        having a good time          it’s oh so good       being bad        so sad when it all goes wrong       love brings out the worst in us       but it was in there all along      

I’m the perfect devil        and troubles I have brewed    tell me how bad I’ve been     it makes me feel so good        everybody has a little bad in them       it’s always been the same      love can bring us ecstasy      and love can bring us shame

I could break away

 

I could turn it around    

(I have before)     

I could break away    

I’m ready for more

so look at me

beautiful and strange     

just watch me grow     

my world rearranged

 

I don’t complain

but the sad thing is

everywhere I go      

someone is putting me on    

but I’ve got news for you     

I found something new     

I see light at the end of the tunnel     

and poor boy coming through

psychological warfare

 

I got pills that get me high      and pills that lay me low           I don’t know which is which      I just take them as prescribed      the doctors tell me when     and I don’t ask them why      it’s a psychiatric issue    that will not be denied     what can I say?      I decided to stay and fight      I  can’t run away      much as I’d like

there is a war going on     in my living room       my lovers      my friends      my enemies       everyone wants a piece of me       I don’t say no     I just wait     if they want it hard enough     they’ll come to my gate      but if they don’t      I won’t be surprised     coz I’m hiding out      behind enemy lines     

the say it’s the end      for beautiful friends      it gets all ugly     from here on in      so stay in your homes      and lock all your doors     don’t be distressed        when no-one comes near     it’s the end of the world       that much is clear      I stole these words from the radio        it was the final bulletin     at the end of the show

badge

 

she said I wore my illness like a badge      I just laughed     she didn’t know the difference       between a medal and a badge       my purple heart       was won in the war      that has raged in my mind       for most of my life       war does not ennoble men       it turns them into dogs      I left hell in my wake       and I bear the shame of that      but I’m winning that filthy war       the glory is all mine      so I’m apt to reminisce      from time to bloody time

rabid

 

they shoot mad dogs, don’t they?     I’m afraid they might shoot me      I’m maniacally rabid depressive      vicious, vain and cruel      I’m the monster you need     to balance your truth      just blame it all on me        my victims always do     but no matter how far you go       you won’t forget me      I shoulder your guilt     and your complicity    I’m the beast you once loved      the only friend you had       in whom you placed your trust      when you were frightened of the dark

you’ve faced a lot of shit      some of that came from me      I could tell you that I’m sorry       but what difference would it make?       you’re not alone with your feelings        it’s a communicable disease     if you need a fine example       you can always look  to me      I got rabies in my soul      and a monster to appease       it might take a silver bullet        to finally set me free 

not the man for you

 you had to ruin everything

kill the magic stone dead

you have to give things names

you had a few for me

it’s too late to fix things now

but I’m sorry anyhow

you said it, and it’s true

I’m just not the man for you

regret

 

they say the brave die only once       but I die on a daily basis     a thousand killer blows      assault my memory      I recall…    …but I don’t care to dwell     the past is a foreign country     I no longer speak the lingo        all that heat and fury     generated little light        and yesterday’s dreams are darkened      by the shadow of remorse

I think I’ve exhausted my options      so I’m resigned to the power that rules my fate       but I’m not complaining       coz I’m reborn on a daily basis      a thousand minor triumphs pepper my wounded ego with compensatory prizes      I have lived a full life      and balance my shame      against affections shared without regret      coz the mystery of love      outweighs the certainty of death

Abattoir

 

I was there.  Were you?  When the stupid turned cruel and cruelty was celebrated as a virtue.  They put a price on life.  It wasn't very high.  You won't get a nickel for your ounce of solid soul.  Mother, look at the troubles we wrought.  We are dropping bombs on children.  Nothing is sacred in our philosophy.  We have made an abattoir of our beautiful world.  She is stained crimson from all the lives we have rendered meat.  There's no absolution for our crimes.  Our tears will not cleanse our bloody hands and our prayers will not stave our certain defeat.

chronic dissatisfaction

 home is where the hurt is    it cannot be denied    my abode feels hollow     emptied out inside      I know I should be grateful for everything I have      but too much is never enough for me     I can never be satisfied     this malady of the soul     is the power that spurs me on     but it’s beyond my understanding       and out with my control      I wish I could be anywhere else        and anyone else but me     coz chronic dissatisfaction is a crippling disease

beliefs

 

…and the sky god made the cosmos in less than seven days…     well, you’ll believe what you want to believe     but I ain’t buying any      all beliefs are bogus      I’ve seen the harm they do       I don’t believe in anything    but my spirit knows the truth     there is wonder in the universe       and there is magic in our eyes      but beliefs will chain our minds      beliefs will render us blind      so always follow the evidence      slaughter your sacred cows     coz there is only one solid reality      and its moment eternal is now

fondly

 did you count my steps as I walked away?        did you lock the door against my return?     take me back now to my former being       we can both cut loose      and have some fun     shed your light  on our dime store mystery       draw me a map of where I went wrong  

they say I was born with the dark charisma       that I honed that sucker into deadly charm       I carved the wounds that last forever     it’s hard to believe but I meant no harm       I raise my glass to former lovers and pray I’m fondly remembered by at least one

intent

don’t let this world

bend you out of shape

you are not a hostage

nor fortune’s fool

 

be satisfied

get better, not bitter

make no space in your heart

for slights best forgotten

 

turn your cheek

bury your hatchet

every dawn is a new world

and your heart is virgin

 

one man’s mistake

is another’s treasure

take mind to have nothing

you’d care to defend

 

if you look for acrimony

you’re sure to find it

like attracts like

that’s the law of intent