only my
dreams seem real is that the dark
magic? or is it all in my
mind? I dreamed of you last night you were no ghost you were all flesh and blood but you would not come with me when morning called our names you kissed my lips just once and vanished when I awakened come to me tonight I’ll wait for you there somewhere in our dreams where the world can’t drag us down
all these
fights are rigged a man don’t stand
a chance he’s got to punch above
his weight from the very start I was once pretty agile but now I’m trading blows the knockout punch was landed and I don’t feel a thing coz I’m numb from the neck up and piteously exposed one too many poundings has left me on the ropes I ought to throw in the towel like so many suckers before me but I’m in it for the fight I don’t know what else to do
I shut up shop
just for the holidays when you’re silent
everything speaks to you me,
I move right in I occupy that
space where silence reigns silence nourishes silence is the only sleep I need yeah, I’m tuned to silence that’s how my garden grows out there in the distance there is a frozen field deep in the country of silence I will
wait for you there
the god we made is crazy but everybody’s crazy
you have to be fucking crazy to
live in this crazy world
I’m not the first to realize that I’m a little crazy my doctors say it’s normal given the circumstances they said a little poison would cure me of
my ills so they dosed me up on
lithium and locked me up in a
hospital until I learned to play
nice
and you dear reader
do you recognize your
madness? do you let it shine before
you? or does it drag you down? the symptoms after all are part of human nature so
embrace your inner lunatic and give
your madness life
what a colossal
idea
a truly
fantastic hoax
he wasn’t in the
sky
he was in my living
room
the god of magic
mushrooms
the god of
revelations
the sign of my
ordeal
I bargained for
salvation
he crushed me
with his love
the god I had in
mind
answered my
foolish prayer
he give me a
shot at redemption
who could want
for more?
don’t you
miss it? the speedballs and reefer? the fantastic highs? the tragic lows? no, I managed to keep my shape
but it was an accident I came
out whole as something less than holy I defied the world and it crushed me I’m stuck in my shotgun shack my bindings are undone I’m hardly worth the salvage from the scrapyard of my mind
when I was
crushed by the world others were
crushed by me you couldn’t call it
fair but I would come down
heavy on whoever was around me wherever
I happened to be …when I was a monster I had a tune in my head I called it my death song I couldn’t switch it off it nearly drove me mad but
when I came down heavy that
song was all I had
I’m in a
hurry I’m always in a hurry I want my pudding I want my pudding now I need instant gratification and a billion dollar high I’ve got the hunger something
chronic I
took a bite out of the world I nearly swallowed it whole it tasted so damn good and now I want some more
She claimed to be a friend
I had no reason to doubt her
She said she knew where I lived
and where my secrets were buried
She knew the best time to kick a man
is when he’s on the ground.
It seemed a friendly encounter
until she showed her hand.
She said, “You wear your illness like a badge.”
I replied, “No, you’re wrong, I wear it like a medal.”
She said, “You seem inordinately proud.”
I said, “Because I’ve won a thousand battles.”
She said, “Those battles were only in your mind…”
I replied, “Those are the battles that are hardest
to fight.”
I identify as
human but ’ll admit to bogus
credentials mine is an assumed
identity I’m really not the man that I
appear to be my history is
fiction I lack a legitimate story on which to base a life
my whole façade
is plastic it takes on many forms it conceals some dreadful truths I do my best to hide I’m a divided man with all the heartache that implies there are wars I wage in secret that cannot be described
I turned over
a new leaf it looks the same as the
old leaf I think perhaps I’m living the
only life I can I tell you folks I’m
trying but it isn’t going well I reckon I’d be a better man if I wasn’t so fucking poor I tried so hard to be good but I didn’t have it in me so I keep to myself it’s simpler that way
I’m not a
complete arsehole I’m still able to feel I suffer little children their hungry mouths to feed but somehow I feel impoverished I’m talking financially coz it’s money that people worship in this
society well, I’d rather seek out the devil and keep my conscience clean than participate in a religion so inhuman
and obscene
back in the
flower of manhood I thrilled to a strangers touch I was easily aroused a look could be enough fidelity did not appeal to me it could only get in the way I’ve been called a dirty dog but I’m a dog whose had his day
I don’t miss
the one night stands it’s cruel and
selfish game I was lost in promiscuous
regions I loved to screw around the wicked require love too and they’re so much better at it they
say experience counts I couldn’t possibly comment
meanwhile; back
in my gymnasium we coupled in the
dance of shame and with satiated
lust the cycle began again there was little purpose to it but it was too delicious to refuse the Saturday night excitement the Sunday morning blues
I don’t think I’m dishonest I only told one lie I told it with conviction I told it many times they tell me I was wicked for doing as I liked but everything is permissible if
you’re prepared to pay the price
all things
are basically cool until of course they’re
not I sometimes had to detonate my
nuclear device the power that moves
my heart is pounding out new stars my love is catastrophic it could tear the world apart
everything I
did I did in the name of love I would not go without I was an emotional junkie whore with a gaping hole at the centre of my soul all my days I hungered afraid to be alone I wasn’t the only one I had accomplices but I’m the one they fingered the one who took the
I flashback
on a doomed trajectory having
survived alone in the kingdom of
ghouls my bad blood had caused a
derangement I thought I had died and
gone to hell I found myself in
unfamiliar surroundings harvesting
dreams that tasted of tears I was trapped
in a hospital that felt like a prison
praying that someone would answer my prayers I made it home but the margins were slender I’m still in the thrall of that living
nightmare my mask has slipped to
reveal my defects I look like I'm healed but I'm not really there
I have played
the clown most of my adult life my humour concealed my pain though sometimes I would weep when laughter let me down I’ve been careful with my mask it’s been no mask at all I’ve been up I’ve been down my heart has done the rounds but I learned through indiscretion to never wear a frown I’m not a clever man but I do the best I can I’m told god grants fools wisdom when there’s no one else around
see them circle? they scent blood people are like sharks some more than others those
are the ravenous souls always on the
prowl reflexive killers without a trace of conscience and just like fucking sharks if they stop moving – they suffocate
you need some
gimmick if you want to eat four walls and a TV to keep you off the street you need a home you need a wife you need the things that make a life but this can prove a burden things can drag you down other men have found this some of them have drowned
perhaps the
sharks feasted on
those forgotten heroes but I’m not
here for souvenirs so I’ll kick on
regardless cold blooded killers make unpredictable companions the ocean here is deep and wide its
denizens are fearless so I learned to
dart and weave and dive I glide just like a dolphin that’s how I managed to remain alive where better men have fallen
I don’t just do
this for fun I do it because I ran
out of options I know I don’t write
that well but I’m ready to bleed across
your screen or pull my knickers down expose my arse to the world I’m speaking
metaphorically of course
coz I’m taking a hit - that feels
just like a kiss… when I wrote that
down I felt a little high I don’t know what you’d call that and I don’t really care there’s
nothing written here that can’t
later be denied
I’d been
rubbed out cancelled from
existence stretched beyond endurance and consigned to rot in hell but when I received my discharge papers on that
glorious sun drenched morning I was
released from an unforgiving nightmare I’d found victory pinioned to the cross I
returned to the beauty I have always known
I am clean I am redeemed I am love
you get born you go to school you get a job they
give you a number you become a player
in the adult word well, that’s what
they expect but I don’t want to be
a player in this crazy fucked up
world where the wealthy engineer
consensus to keep us in our place
they say you can’t buck the system that there is no other way you must labour all your life until one day you die your
reward is pending in the afterlife but I reclaimed my mind I’m
breaking all their rules I won’t obey
a system that treats us like bloody
fools
I was always
a blunt instrument but I’ve been
honed to perfection I couldn’t be
more me if I tried I know who I
am and I know what I like I
love the light because I’m alive but
I love the dark because I’m a thief
I’ve been
many things to many people but I’ve always been true to myself I’ve stolen from giants I’ve stolen from paupers I’ve stolen from every creature that walked or
crawled beneath the sun but I never robbed
anyone who didn’t ask for it
truthfully I was never one for deceptions I’m honest enough with myself it’s
true I may have fabricated some facts to
fit the situation I forged my own
credentials because I travelled incognito above and beyond the law
is your heart
a haunted house? do you stalk these
streets of shame? here you are - without
a friend your memories choke your
dreams are you really all
alone? have others judged you
harshly? do you know what you’ve done
wrong? can you name the crimes that
you committed to feed your twisted and selfish
love?
I hate to
kick a man when he’s down but I might
not get another chance you are the
victim of your own choices so, what
do you want to know? or what do you
want to hear? yes, you may have
gotten a raw deal but the sun will
come out tomorrow and you shall be
redeemed blessed through the eyes of love it might be less than you hoped
for but it’s more than you deserve
some things
cannot be gleaned from books some things are learned in blood anyway
the lights are going out now
and I’m pinioned to my cross sweet
mother of heaven hear me in my time
of need let me cast one last spell channel my pain into something beautiful
I’ve nursed
one disaster after another and there
are terrible confessions hidden behind my eyes coz I bent myself outta shape trying to satisfy the needs of
others now I require something for
myself don’t judge me I’m
not stoned I’m just tired fatigued by the extremities of being I
know I made a cunt of myself but I
didn’t mean to prick anyone else with this crown of thorns
collective
insanity that’s my diagnosis the whole world is crazy always has been the central delusion the illusion of difference tells us we’re better than everyone
else coz we at least are
innocent we at least are loved there’s no one else quite like us we’re so fucking special we
have the ear of god
I think about
her still and I grieve she was never truly mine but even lies are sacred to lovers me,
I'd never exiled anyone before they usually
perished in accidents of trust coz I
don’t believe in much but I still believe
in love everything happens for a
reason the truth will bear that
out I can’t see that she’s to blame though I played it like a chump
they say god has no religion
so, he does not pray
you see, faith is a killer
take that away and…
hell no, that’s not for me
I have a light burning inside
chalk it up to ignorance
or perhaps self-deception
but I’m not alone
while my candle is lit
going down it’s hard as hell
coming up …it’s
sudden vertigo
and you?
do you still have empathy?
lord, save our souls
we’re going down
into the ground
protect us from doubt
leave us numb
no room to maneuver
no food for thought
sleep will
not touch me now neither will I dream it’s not my conscience again it’s not what it might seem they say there are no bad men only bad situations and I’ve lived through situations maybe I brought them on myself tell me, what difference does it make? we suffer just the same from things we haven’t done everybody’s innocent according to their tales we are all just victims of circumstance wrestling ghostly shadows naked
and alone
they locked
me up for speaking my mind because truth is violence in their insane world I was drunk on freedom and the license it gave me but to think too deeply is to dig your own grave I was drunk on freedom but
I overreached now I’m the odd man
out in a party of strangers queer bedfellows both orphans and strays in this menagerie of singular outsiders I
found a voice to unlock their
secrets yes, I found a voice but it was not my own
same old same old here I am, back in the dock again I guess it’s too late now to plead insanity so what’s my excuse? I’m picking at old wounds might even tear me a few new ones but I can’t help myself some memories have sharp edges and weigh heavy on the heart there’s pain at the core of everything sometimes I can’t see it but it’s always there like
worms gnawing on my bones or lice crawling through my hair
…and I shall
fear no evil even in the fury of
the storm for I have a place yes, I have a place a place I call home nestled in my shoulder in a world of secrets where you could not touch me though you were a beast you could not touch me yes, you were the beast and I was alone
some random
woman a creature with no name called me a narcissist a narcissist? I should be so lucky what with my conscience not to feel for others but lord it up in some fantastic
story free of guilt free of shame yes, I should be so lucky to be so deluded to walk amongst the beasts to think and feel like they do to behave just like a killer to carry on like you
I got a
telephone in my bosom so I can call
you from my heart let me tell you
about my freedom coz it matters
that much to me and why don’t you take
a look at yourself? take a good look at yourself is
this the way you wanted it to be? if
I called collect would you answer me then? or if you chose to dial my number? could it matter much to me?
if this life
had any meaning we’d be the last to
know we’re spoon-fed on slurry
culture waving banners and burning crosses them outside they’re not like us we got the understanding them outside ain’t got no culture coz without
a flag a man is nothing without a
flag he has no home
we are creatures
of light and shade but most of us are
dead inside victims of spiritual
suicide the abyss of our pain swallows all ambition and our darkest monuments cast heavy shadows across our empty lives I’m having a human experience here typical to my generation I took a bullet to the soul I’m bleeding out again but I no longer seem to care
I’m tired of
thinking no-one can think and fight
at the same time and I’m in a fight
here the fight of my life insanity and happiness are an unlikely
cocktail and they have labeled me
mad because I feel too much because I’m sad but my sanity is open to debate perhaps madness is a natural reaction to the real maybe
I am crazy maybe madness is a
failing but I ask you who can be sane in a world gone mad?
you have to be crazy to play by the rules to believe in a game that is rigged to make you the fool
this is not my first lynch mob I’ve been tarred and feathered before victim of that parochial mediocrity that says you are different so you must be bad and if you are bad then we must be good well I don’t pretend to be good no-one would believe me anyway I don’t look good and I don’t feel good and I never trust a man who says he is good most men are only as good as they have to be
I will
always speak my truth
but not only in words coz words are not enough not my words my words deceive I'd promise the truth, but what would it mean? I promise never to make promises promises take hostages I'll act in accordance with my spirit and live as I damn well choose coz you
cannot bury your truth it will always resurface like Lazarus in an
ocean of deceptions
your truth will never drown your truth shall always find you your truth will be your judge and if it finds you wanting your truth shall be your noose
I made my own
bible proclaimed it like a
trumpet the world was deaf and did not hear but
my words were impeccable I tried to
use their power in the direction
of good because I am an instrument of peace and a vassal of love because love is the supreme science love is the only law
this was no
epiphany it all came on real easy like over the course of decades it was less a voyage of discovery more a process of discarding garbage I know who I am now and I won’t forget the world won’t let me I’m fatally flawed and that’s my strength it can’t be used against me
individuals
are thin on the ground most people
are just copies nothing of them is
original they are an amalgam of stories
they have heard because everyone has
stories playing inside their heads we’re all just the stories we tell
ourselves most of them are fictions we take pride in our fictions our uniqueness but when I found out who I really was I
was bitterly disappointed because
I’m not at all unique I’m a total fucking cliché
a manic
depressive whore with a taste for
drink and drugs I truly am my own
worst enemy I’m just a Jonas and
I seem to sow discord wherever I go but I ain’t crying when
I survey my life I see I’ve lived it as
well as I could but it doesn’t
matter now just how I have lived I can no longer play the role assigned me I simply ceased to give a shit and that brought me peace of mind but I had to make that peace through
understanding because everything is
connected everything is now
mistakes are
my life I’ve made a few oh well, must get on get things done stain the silence with my words my best years have fled perhaps there was a time when I was happy I must have been happy in her arms yes, I must have been happy in her arms
I’d better do
something while I still have the
fire maybe a fire or embers still to fan or will I brood in my stinking lair? and feel her absence and feel her near? every man hefts a cross until he eventually dies or he disappears I might find it funny but I don’t do funny not in this place no, not in here
what an
idea absurd but powerful it has real poetry but oh lord there ain’t room for us both in
this religion you’d best count me a monkey
man coz I’m about this world, not the next my dharma is entirely human that’s
what interests me - being human
life has no
meaning but the meaning we give it art is the true expression of humanity I want to be art I want to perfect my form of being my being human because it matters because I believe in humanity the
laws of nature seem cruel there’s
no justice in the universe the universe does not care but
we care, right? even in a godless
world - we still care - don’t
we?
*image 'The Three Shades' Auguste Rodin
lately, I’m not really there I’m not really anywhere sometimes I’m not myself I mutate into something else sometimes I’m formed in the shadows exposed under sodium light I can’t seem to shake the feeling that it all could happen again I’d be down on the killing floor dragging my ball and chain through hospital corridors desperate to escape finding no way home
fuck this for
a game of soldiers fifty years on the
treadmill just to make some other
cunt filthy no, I’m sick of their bourgeois
heroes I’m sick of their holy books they want to stunt your imagination with
their prisons, churches and schools
well, I’m opting out I’ve simply had enough I’m an armchair revolutionary now hooked to the silver screen I think I broke the world I didn’t know what I doing I was only killing time when this notion came to me… I need to escape this room and smash my fucking TV
I just want
to know what the hell is going
on? they say the world will end today it’s not before time this world is a sick joke but then, you reap what you sow and we’ve sown a lot I don’t suppose I really care but I’m curious I just want to know is this all there is? I just want to know
there’s so much propaganda now black propaganda and filth you’ve got stomach a banquet of shit every time you watch the news we don’t need hatred we don’t need rulers the power they take from the people will return to the people coz nothing is permanent not even our troubles there is no meaning to any of this there is only the desire for life with our thoughts we make the world the way is not in the sky the way is in the mind
I like your
attitude fuck the rules you’ll never reach monkey heaven but you’re not being fooled by sugar coated rhetoric you’re
not paralyzed by wishful thinking coz you’re an individual and
you do as you choose
you have desires that outstrip this world perhaps you were meant for somewhere else some other world where you are free you don’t
talk to an empty sky coz you already
know the truth heaven was in that first kiss but hell was in the last
