don’t you
miss it? the speedballs and reefer? the fantastic highs? the tragic lows? no, I managed to keep my shape
but it was an accident I came
out whole as something less than holy I defied the world and it crushed me I’m stuck in my shotgun shack my bindings are undone I’m hardly worth the salvage from the scrapyard of my mind
when I was
crushed by the world others were
crushed by me you couldn’t call it
fair but I would come down
heavy on whoever was around me wherever
I happened to be …when I was a monster I had a tune in my head I called it my death song I couldn’t switch it off it nearly drove me mad but
when I came down heavy that
song was all I had
I’m in a
hurry I’m always in a hurry I want my pudding I want my pudding now I need instant gratification and a billion dollar high I’ve got the hunger something
chronic I
took a bite out of the world I nearly swallowed it whole it tasted so damn good and now I want some more
She claimed to be a friend
I had no reason to doubt her
She said she knew where I lived
and where my secrets were buried
She knew the best time to kick a man
is when he’s on the ground.
It seemed a friendly encounter
until she showed her hand.
She said, “You wear your illness like a badge.”
I replied, “No, you’re wrong, I wear it like a medal.”
She said, “You seem inordinately proud.”
I said, “Because I’ve won a thousand battles.”
She said, “Those battles were only in your mind…”
I replied, “Those are the battles that are hardest
to fight.”
I identify as
human but ’ll admit to bogus
credentials mine is an assumed
identity I’m really not the man that I
appear to be my history is
fiction I lack a legitimate story on which to base a life
my whole façade
is plastic it takes on many forms it conceals some dreadful truths I do my best to hide I’m a divided man with all the heartache that implies there are wars I wage in secret that cannot be described
I turned over
a new leaf it looks the same as the
old leaf I think perhaps I’m living the
only life I can I tell you folks I’m
trying but it isn’t going well I reckon I’d be a better man if I wasn’t so fucking poor I tried so hard to be good but I didn’t have it in me so I keep to myself it’s simpler that way
I’m not a
complete arsehole I’m still able to feel I suffer little children their hungry mouths to feed but somehow I feel impoverished I’m talking financially coz it’s money that people worship in this
society well, I’d rather seek out the devil and keep my conscience clean than participate in a religion so inhuman
and obscene
back in the
flower of manhood I thrilled to a strangers touch I was easily aroused a look could be enough fidelity did not appeal to me it could only get in the way I’ve been called a dirty dog but I’m a dog whose had his day
I don’t miss
the one night stands it’s cruel and
selfish game I was lost in promiscuous
regions I loved to screw around the wicked require love too and they’re so much better at it they
say experience counts I couldn’t possibly comment
meanwhile; back
in my gymnasium we coupled in the
dance of shame and with satiated
lust the cycle began again there was little purpose to it but it was too delicious to refuse the Saturday night excitement the Sunday morning blues
I don’t think I’m dishonest I only told one lie I told it with conviction I told it many times they tell me I was wicked for doing as I liked but everything is permissible if
you’re prepared to pay the price
all things
are basically cool until of course they’re
not I sometimes had to detonate my
nuclear device the power that moves
my heart is pounding out new stars my love is catastrophic it could tear the world apart
everything I
did I did in the name of love I would not go without I was an emotional junkie whore with a gaping hole at the centre of my soul all my days I hungered afraid to be alone I wasn’t the only one I had accomplices but I’m the one they fingered the one who took the
I flashback
on a doomed trajectory having
survived alone in the kingdom of
ghouls my bad blood had caused a
derangement I thought I had died and
gone to hell I found myself in
unfamiliar surroundings harvesting
dreams that tasted of tears I was trapped
in a hospital that felt like a prison
praying that someone would answer my prayers I made it home but the margins were slender I’m still in the thrall of that living
nightmare my mask has slipped to
reveal my defects I look like I'm healed but I'm not really there
I have played
the clown most of my adult life my humour concealed my pain though sometimes I would weep when laughter let me down I’ve been careful with my mask it’s been no mask at all I’ve been up I’ve been down my heart has done the rounds but I learned through indiscretion to never wear a frown I’m not a clever man but I do the best I can I’m told god grants fools wisdom when there’s no one else around
