killer cosmonaut

 

I’m totally spaced out       blitzed out of existence     so catastrophically high      I cannot see the ground     they dropped the fucking bomb on me      and hit me where it hurts       hell flickered for a second        then the lights went out     now I’m locked out of the world      with nowhere else to go      my imminent re-entry      will have to be postponed      though I’m bitterly disappointed      I’ll still make it on my own        coz I’m the killer cosmonaut      I’m not afraid to be alone

bark like a gun

 

defend yourself      but don’t be cruel      fear breeds violence       and violence bleaches the soul     so I’ll fear for nothing      when there’s nothing to defend      coz I’ve walked on poisoned ground       and trod on many toes      in my efforts to break even      but I surrender now       to the entropic universe      and the power that rules my fate

don’t get me wrong      this life is beautiful           but it don’t fight fair     some say it’s heavy handed      but I don’t seem to mind        I’m not afraid     I know I’ll play my part      I’ll take my filthy sheets       and wind them through the dark      where I’ve just began     to fulfil the obligations       of any natural man      to tread softly as a angel      and bark like a fucking gun

the crown of creation

 

when I deep it    

really dig down into it     

I’m ever grateful

for the transformative power of pain    

coz I am not diminished by suffering    

I flourish in the face of adversity     

I carry the fire from the mountain 

I’m loaded with that energy

I am more than the sum of my parts

you can ask anyone       

I’m the crown of creation      

and the anthem of the sun    

villain

 

every hero needs a villain       every villain thinks he’s a hero    conflict is the source of all drama      Tam would know about drama        he authored plenty       it took me an age to catch on      but he finally set me straight      he thought that I needed toughened up    he was teaching me how to hate      

a father’s love can crush a boy        or temper him in the fire     Tam is just a story now      the family bogeyman       I play the hero in the tales that I tell         stories of love and hate   not as some dialectic process     but a living contradiction       played out in a homemade hell

beetles

 

hospital days are hushed and sterile      but the nights are mine alone        these sanitised corridors are bleached for deadly purpose       people come here to die     I’d bargain for salvation     …but who in hell with?     I was never born to make these deals      how do you bargain for your life?       I’ll be happy dodging between the locked wards       keeping a low profile        maybe they’ll forget about me       down in the basement      in the soul food abattoir       where the surgeons cut and paste appendages 

I‘m stalking the deathwatch beetles        that are gnawing on my bones     …the things we draw to ourselves       can be our undoing     I burn sixty coffin nails a day     cancerous nicotine stains my fingers     my world is sepia toned     spoiled milk  and   dead flowers      he who lives by the sword…     …but forget that now      I don’t want to think about that       coz I died there on the pillow      I died a thousand times       while a host of ravenous beetles      devoured me from inside     

amnesiac

 

you would not have known       to look at the cover      but the binding was faulty      the pages were loose        some were lost       others were stolen     ripped from my story       by counterfeit physicians      who erased my memories     with clumsy fingers      they burned the best ones in their incinerator       that’s a whole other me     lost in my blood      down  the fucking tubes      down the darkened corridors      through the forbidden wards     into the soft and cozy confusion      of retrograde amnesia

being bad

it’s oh so good       being bad      to taste forbidden fruit    ripened on the vine       to cut from bed to bed        having a good time          it’s oh so good       being bad        so sad when it all goes wrong       love brings out the worst in us       but it was in there all along      

I’m the perfect devil        and troubles I have brewed    tell me how bad I’ve been     it makes me feel so good        everybody has a little bad in them       it’s always been the same      love can bring us ecstasy      and love can bring us shame

I could break away

 

I could turn it around    

(I have before)     

I could break away    

I’m ready for more

so look at me

beautiful and strange     

just watch me grow     

my world rearranged

 

I don’t complain

but the sad thing is

everywhere I go      

someone is putting me on    

but I’ve got news for you     

I found something new     

I see light at the end of the tunnel     

and poor boy coming through

psychological warfare

 

I got pills that get me high      and pills that lay me low           I don’t know which is which      I just take them as prescribed      the doctors tell me when     and I don’t ask them why      it’s a psychiatric issue    that will not be denied     what can I say?      I decided to stay and fight      I  can’t run away      much as I’d like

there is a war going on     in my living room       my lovers      my friends      my enemies       everyone wants a piece of me       I don’t say no     I just wait     if they want it hard enough     they’ll come to my gate      but if they don’t      I won’t be surprised     coz I’m hiding out      behind enemy lines     

the say it’s the end      for beautiful friends      it gets all ugly     from here on in      so stay in your homes      and lock all your doors     don’t be distressed        when no-one comes near     it’s the end of the world       that much is clear      I stole these words from the radio        it was the final bulletin     at the end of the show

badge

 

she said I wore my illness like a badge      I just laughed     she didn’t know the difference       between a medal and a badge       my purple heart       was won in the war      that has raged in my mind       for most of my life       war does not ennoble men       it turns them into dogs      I left hell in my wake       and I bear the shame of that      but I’m winning that filthy war       the glory is all mine      so I’m apt to reminisce      from time to bloody time

rabid

 

they shoot mad dogs, don’t they?     I’m afraid they might shoot me      I’m maniacally rabid depressive      vicious, vain and cruel      I’m the monster you need     to balance your truth      just blame it all on me        my victims always do     but no matter how far you go       you won’t forget me      I shoulder your guilt     and your complicity    I’m the beast you once loved      the only friend you had       in whom you placed your trust      when you were frightened of the dark

you’ve faced a lot of shit      some of that came from me      I could tell you that I’m sorry       but what difference would it make?       you’re not alone with your feelings        it’s a communicable disease     if you need a fine example       you can always look  to me      I got rabies in my soul      and a monster to appease       it might take a silver bullet        to finally set me free 

not the man for you

 you had to ruin everything

kill the magic stone dead

you have to give things names

you had a few for me

it’s too late to fix things now

but I’m sorry anyhow

you said it, and it’s true

I’m just not the man for you