stigmatised

I have fought battles terrifying and beautiful        and I have been remade as a new man     but It’s not enough to get well        you’re expected to be penitent       for the crimes you committed when you were ill          coz there’s no sign of sickness on your skin       no, the monsters lurk deeper than that      they attack from the inside      the pain they inflict cannot be seen       it can only be felt    all that seems so far away now       as if it happened to someone else   but I don’t celebrate my victories          I hide my face in shame       there is no final victory      it can all happen again

I was not easy to help    but I was helped     for some my illness was seen a a failure       or even a betrayal       but my world was broken    and I reached out for a new one    no one would condemn a cancer  victim     saying ‘he brought it on himself’    but my friends diminished in number      those are the perverse mathematics of life       I don’t mind being ghosted       I live for myself     to hell with everyone else       I’ve forgiven those erstwhile friends        who could only see the surface of things      I don’t require validation     I made it on my own     I’m an individual now      a man of some distinction

wolves

 

we were a pack       and we made meat     but we had to be ruthless      with those who could not       we would dance in the sacred manner       horizontally     with the shades down       private individuals       living in a private world

I got the blame    when it all fell apart       and maybe I deserved it        paint me wicked      everyone does       it’s easier that way      there are too many pigments      in the other picture     I grieved for that cabal       of erstwhile friends and lovers       when they fell on me like wolves       to tear the world apart

one foot in...

 

the years give

the years take

I’m docile now

polished smooth

I wouldn’t leave a ripple

if you dropped me in the ocean

I could be making waves

but I’m coasting from here on in

I’ve made my choices

what is a life

but a series of choices?

I live according to my nature

it’s too late now

for anything else

pushing up daisies

 

becalmed once again     deep in the fucking doldrums       went to the doctor        he told me to lighten up     but that cunt’s a fool       this time I’m dying        slowly, by degrees       it’s the dead of liquid night      I’m adrift on the tides of memory        half in shadow, half in light      I sometimes hear your voice        can you still hear mine?

my brand new friend

 

people can fuck you up

tell me if you’ve heard this one before

I didn’t know her face     but her moves were familiar    she said she needed to be loved      but she wasn’t ready to bleed for it       I understood that       I’d done my share of bleeding     I’ve drowned in my own tears

I don’t let that shit in my house       this poor boy don’t believe in romance       but I’ll adhere to anything        that makes me feel real      life gives me all I need       and I don’t ask for much       I’m just looking for a friend      not a nursemaid       or  a crutch

x ray words

 

I found some raw material      

on the back seat of the bus    

a thousand original recipes     

written from the heart      

I’ll smother them in gravy     

and pass them off as my own     

isn’t fiction just a kernel of truth hidden in a lie?    aren’t all writers prostitutes and thieves?      some words are designed to mislead      but other words have x ray powers    that penetrate the soul     

I  want to write in those words    

in crazy neon letters ten feet tall     

I know I’d get off on that      

let me tell you why     

I stood up  to this life      and I want to get that down on paper          one day I’ll find the words I’m looking for       and leave them on the bus     for some other sucker to find     it’ll be my message in a bottle     my little gift to posterity     much of it will be bullshit       but some of it will be me

 

cogito, ergo sum

when I was young

I hurt my eyes

staring into the sun

for days after

the image of the sun

was fused into my mind…

I came out of nowhere      but that don’t mean a thing      when you’re twelve years old    I was always a book worm     because knowledge is power      while ignorance only forges shackles      every saturday morning I’d head to the library      always the library      the temple of knowledge     my sanctum sanctorum        the source of my power      where the blinding light of reason       flooded my busy retinas       and fed my hungry mind       I was sparked into being       in the cauldron of ideas       I learned to question everything        as everything questioned me      to think about my thinking     because that’s what I am       that’s what I understand

  

mr nice

 

they tell me bad is back

but that’s not where I’m at

I just stepped outside

the sun spoke to me

she said ‘get high’

and I’m glad to comply

why don’t you step out too?

shed your aggravations

get yourself a new gimmick

it’s nice to be nice

and I like to feel nice, don’t you?

 

Loser

 

I’ll salt my beer

with my own fucking tears

I tried everything twice

it always turned out bogus

why can’t I be forgiven?

who made me the enemy?

I don’t want to be on the outside

nose pressed against the window

so who wrote the rules

that made me the loser?

maybe we’re all fucking losers

did you ever think of that?

still, you’d rather lose a lover    

than love a fucking loser

don’t mind me

I’m not bitter

I’m not sweet either

I’ve been rolling snake eyes

since the game began

I can’t win for losing

it’s the story of my life

totally fucked up

 I’m totally fucked up

it’s more than an excuse

it’s symptomatic

I’m totally fucked up

but I’m not alone.

the whole world is fucked up

as is everyone in it

we’ve all been damaged

beaten and abused

draw your own conclusions

everywhere you turn you lose

coz this old world plays rough

you know how people talk

people love to talk

of life and love and liberty

but the world has heard enough

the world don’t care who you are

or how big you dream

they’re gonna monetise you

they’re gonna monetise you

if they have to crush your soul

Tommy Gun

 

I let it rip with psychic bullets   

from my imaginary tommy gun     

I don’t mean to hurt nobody     

but I won’t let up until I’m done

I massacre my friends and neighbours     

I kill ‘em off one by one    

I don’t play god

I have no favourites

I got bullets enough for everyone

I don’t bear them any malice     

it’s just my way of having fun

 

unconditional love

 

you were always my friend

my patient companion

didn’t you feed my hunger?

didn’t you nurse my fever?

indulge my childish schemes?

haven’t you always stood by me

no matter what I’d done?

if I ever seemed ungrateful

I’m sorry for it

I’m sorry I lost myself

I think I thought

I was someone else

someone less deserving

of your unconditional love

I just wanted you to know

I treasure that sentiment

more than I cherish life itself