I’ve got the deep
chill from standing on the
outside coz while all the world was fast
asleep I was on a bender and burning out my innards with jugs of liquid fire the
intrusion sparked the fear within and
I blew a heavy fuse trying to contain it
back in the night back where the fun begins I’m all fingers thumbs
and knotted nerves but I’m
skinning up and dumbing down I have avian reflex in beak and eye but
this rooster’s teeth are worn from gnawing on old grievances
she always thought I wore my heart on my sleeve but she was wrong only the sleeve was real the heart was an affectation heart
or soul what’s the difference when they’re both absent? she said I’d carry that load through the ages and that I’d been enslaved by my own instruments I serve
but do not know
I learned to run from her sagacity I need no commentary on my decline I leave
my own words as reference a salutary
lesson in personal abuse my words are
as brittle as my bones and as hollow
as my intent I didn’t force the world on anyone I acted as an outsider a mere observer in my
capacity as counterfeit hero if my
efforts fell short of my bourgeois pretensions it
was more a matter of attention span and
my penchant for the seemingly exotic than any predilection for deceit
somewhere on my covenanted half-acre of hell there stands a mausoleum washed smooth with tears here the holders of my promissory notes are interned along with the wax effigies of former
lovers I lie but not through intention I
lie from carelessness and a casual disregard for facts I
have a proven record of self-deception and quiet ineptitude may the evidence show that I was never deliberately cruel but
was perhaps reckless in the pursuit of pleasure
the most damning indictment against me is
selfishness I confess my guilt but reserve judgment to myself
