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6 October 2012

Holed

Black-Hole

A long time ago, but not so far away, I was young and had my whole life in front of me. I was raised in a small town by nice people. Nice ordinary people who fought everyday and hardly noticed me or my siblings. I wasn’t in any hurry to grow up. I dallied in the woolly headed dream like state of infancy and played fantastic games with my brothers during long summer days and nights. Even my adolescence was filled with dreaming – there were girls and friendships I thought would last forever, but nothing was ever ‘real’ to me.

So where did I go wrong? Perhaps life, real life, failed to measure up to my childhood dreams. Perhaps I was traumatized in my infancy. Whatever the reason I always felt like there was something missing. I consoled myself with drink and drugs for the opportunities squandered and the hours ill spent, but nothing could fill the hole that lay hidden in the core of me.

I once thought that love will fill the hole and make me somehow complete. I always thought that life itself sprang from love, but I’ve seen that hate has a life of its own too. No, love didn’t fill the gap. In fact, love simply accentuated the depth of the chasm within. It was as if that hole measured the distance between myself and the rest of the human race. It turned out I couldn’t expect anyone else to fill that space for me – I’d have to bear that burden myself.

So what’s the solution? There is no solution. Life goes on and we go with it – whether we want to or not. Perhaps in the end life fills that hole, or more accurately it’s the attempt to fill the hole that constitutes a life. I don’t know how others feel, or if my sentiments will strike a chord with anybody else. I just know that I’m holed with a hunger that is never satiated, never filled.

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5 comments:

  1. Bethany Wiseblood10 October 2012 at 20:22

    I can relate to your words so well! I had that nice upbringing,full of hope + dreams,I do have feeling that somthing is missing too,I'm still looking fir what ir how to fill that hole,you are correct that no one cam fill that for you.Life does just go on regardless.This huge struck a huge chord with me absolutely,I wonder if I'll ever sate that hunger or maybe it will always be there.It reassuring to know I'm the only one that feels this way.Thank you so much for sharing this + articulating the feelings so superbly:))

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  2. For years I thought there was something wrong with me... Nice to know I'm not alone

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  3. Brilliant observations and writing John! And so true. No, you're not alone hon. I like your statement, "...it's the attempt to fill the hole that constitutes a life." Perfect. And it is all those attempts that make us what we are in the end. I think part of coming to terms with it is realizing what you've said here - no one else can fill it. Thanks for tagging me on this :)

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  4. Thanks for your kind comments Ray

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  5. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. This is something that most of us could co-relate to...and so absolutely true... "or more accurately it’s the attempt to fill the hole that constitutes a life." summarizes it pretty well. Spiritually that hole could only be filled by our own soul, by surrendering it to the almighty. but being human to reach to that state is not so easy and Our Karma is to do our duties without expectations and let life decide what outcome it follows.

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