24 April 2011

Sherlock Holmes

Tired old fossils send mammograms to the land of the living – ‘Help STOP - lost my way STOP – filled my diaper STOP – where does this bus stop STOP. ‘ I pay the boy and tear up the message, “I don’t know who you are kid, but stop bringing me messages STOP” Eskimos spear fish in a barrel while headless horsemen ride in circles pretending to read Das Kapital – they are obviously faking – their books are upside down, but maybe they make more sense that way. 

I’m feeding ducks in the park - to wild dogs and drunken bums who are spitting feathers and protesting that this food is under done. One of them claims he was a passenger on the Marie Celeste, I ask him why he ain’t disappeared and he answers, “Who says I ain’t?” He asks me if I can spare a dime and I tell him I only carry hundred dollar bills, “That’s okay” he says, “I got the change.” I ask him if he’ll buy me a coffee and he replies, “Fuck off loser, get a fucking job!” Of course, the jokes on him cause I got a job, I’m a private detective. I’m only disguised as a duck feeder - I’m in the park searching for clues, as soon as I detect some privacy - I’m gonna become a recluse.

You can’t move in this park for dogs leading people. I can’t see what’s in it for ‘em – surely they can move quicker without people attached. I only took this job so I could be like my hero Sherlock Holmes. Somebody told me that he wasn’t real, but I didn’t believe him. He’s the world’s greatest detective, right? - Surely he would have worked that out! Anyway, I’m sticking with it ‘til I get my big break. Something tells me this case is about to bust wide open and all the dirty laundry will be out in the open. I guess I need a new case. I solved the vanishing duck mystery. It seems wild dogs and drunken bums were eating the ducks in the park. A clerical error meant the drunken bums were put to sleep and the wild dogs were sent to rehab, the good news is that instances of drunken wild dogs are now practically zero.

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